Friday, June 28, 2013


Hey Lovelies-

This week has been much better. I have been eating better, drinking more water, and trying hard to be better. It has also been an incredibly crazy week. I already have done homework but I have a test next weekend I need to start studying for on top of next weeks homework. I never knew summer classes were so incredibly crazy!! Oh well, I will get through the summer like everything else! So we will see what Sunday brings and with any luck it will be better than last week for sure!

Love you all and I appreciate you support! Have a great weekend!


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Odds and Ends and Recommitments

Hey Lovelies-

So to begin with. Last week was horrible, I struggled with my eating habits, and I was really stressing out, more about that in a minute, so I had very little weight loss. So I made my twenty pounds, but that is all I lost, 1 pound. But that is ok! Onwards and upwards I am recommitting and this week will be much better!!

So other things I need to talk about, first thing is I went to the missionary broadcast that they showed on Sunday evening! Oh man I loved it. I feel like there is so much good to be done when each member does their part, so many more people who would be touched by the gospel and each member trying harder to live the gospel. We truly we become a more saint like people. If the only person I change is myself than I rest assured that this was a job well done.

Last is why I was stressing, I had to meet with the bishop and I wasn't quite sure why. But I was sure stressing about it!! I got a new calling in my ward to be part of the relief society presidency and I am so excited!! I love the sisters in our ward so much. I know how much Heavenly Father loves them and I can share the love he gives me for them with them and I look forward to that opportunity!! I am so excited to work with the other sisters in the presidency as well. Together I think we are going to do good things and I am excited to see where things are going to go!

Lastly is recommitting, as always each week I see the need to continue to recommit to take care of myself, I am working harder on eating well and exercising more and I know it will be good at the end of the week! Wish me luck!! Love you all thanks for the love and the support!!


Friday, June 21, 2013


Hey Lovelies!!

Welcome to summer, not that it hasn't been summer for like 3 or more weeks, but it officially is the first day of summer and the longest day of the year. So Monday my next class begins and then two more semesters. I am not really sure where the next couple weeks will take me but I will know soon hopefully. So enjoy your weekend and I hope you all get to do some fun things!! I know I am going to be enjoying it as I might have homework or work for the rest of the summer!! I will update you on how this weekend turned out!!


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Back on track

Dear Lovelies-

So today is hump day!! It was such a long, and I cannot express more long day. I am glad it is over. Yesturday was my mum's birthday, she turned 29, again. I love birthdays, but we did a lot of eating out and I didn't eat very conservative and well that definitely bled over into today. I got off my toosh and went on a bike ride tonight and that helped me feel better about where I was and tonight I feel kind of starving so I guess I did ok. So tonight I am recommitting to make the rest of the week better. I must as though my friends, what do you do that helps you to stay on track especially during celebrations and holidays??

I would love any and all advice!!



Monday, June 17, 2013

Thoughts and Side Effects

Hey friends-

Tonight needs another post. So since you all know about the weigh in the weekend went well. I finished cleaning, dejunking, and re-arranging my room. It is nice, I feel like I can be more at peace in my room which will make studying much easier come summer term. I am really glad I got done, a few little touches, laundry, and one trip to the local thrift store and I have completed my work. Yeah me!!

Second lets talk side effects. First of all the tingling has gotten a little worse, both in my face, hands, and feet. It is doable and for the most part not too noticable. I am happy with the way I feel, and it seems to help in other ways. It helps a lot with satiation. I am literally not very hungary, I can start eating and not really want to finish. It is nice and makes a huge difference in my eating habits. In the mean time I am working on changing my eating habits so that when the day comes and I go off the medication it will be ok and I won't just gain all my weight back. Otherwise I do not notice any other side effects. Occasionally a headache or two from not eating enough but I feel like I am doing ok.

Other thoughts, as of late I have been having anxiety more than ever, well really I never really get much anxiety, I try not to worry and stew but I have been feeling a heavy load as of late but I am not sure why, I hope I can find peace in my inner soul soon. It needs a break and so does my insides, they are really struggling!! Anyways that might be about all!

Love you all



Hey all-

I have much on my mind I will write more late but I thought I would update you all!

4 lbs!! yep four pounds for a total of 19 down. 1 more week and I will hit my first goal!! wish me luck!!

And thanks for all your love and support!!


Friday, June 14, 2013

Friday Fun Day and More Serious Ideas

Hey Friends-

So this week has been really good, or at least I hope it has. I have been eating and drinking well. I had my first fries the other day in a week or two and they were kind of gross. It was weird to feel that change. Also sweets are slowly taking a hike from my diet completely. It is weird how my insatiable sweet tooth slowly is disappearing. I am grateful that is for sure! I am happy with things as they are, hopefully this week will show is on the scale because I have lacked when it came to exercising. Yeah I need to definitely be better at that. So yeah. We will see what Sunday morning weigh in holds. I should start measuring because I know my clothes are getting bigger on me, my jeans are falling right off my hips, not that I really have much in the hip or tush region anyways. 

There are other thoughts I have been wrapping my head around and trying to understand and explain. First I never really expected the beginning of my weight loss journey would cause so many of these feelings to resurface. I knew I have had them. I even knew I had them but felt I had dealt with them and had moved on but this last week they have resurfaced and have caused me to do a lot of reflecting.

When you spend a lifetime, so for me 20+ years being bigger than the other kids you have a skewed body image. I honestly cannot see myself thin. I don't know what thin would look like, much less look like on me. Even if I did I am not sure I would know I am thin. See when you think you are bigger you always feel bigger than you are. I weigh far more than the size I look. But my perception is different. I sometimes feel like I look like a beached whale. This isn't the case I know this, but for others to understand you have to know this is real for those who struggle with weight. I looked at a picture of me in high school the other day and realized that I looked really good, but I felt so big, that perception never has changed. THAT is the point I am trying to make. Self perception is hard. I don't know what normal size should look like because my own body perception is so skewed.

This of course stems from my own experience of being teased and bullied as a kid. The feelings I am talking about are those self conscious, everyone is thinking mean things about me feelings. It for the most part isn't true. I know this. But it doesn't make me feel any less self conscious. We went camping last weekend as I said, they wanted all of us girls in one cabin, all the cabin bunks left were in the middle of an open space and the idea for me of sleeping there was just too much, I couldn't explain the self consciousness, but I sure felt it. Then again on Monday I went to FHE where we had a pool party and I was feeling so self conscious, but I put a smile on and joined a basketball game in the pool. I over analyze things I say when I leave after a conversation and I worry just too much. I Haven't had this problem in years. So why is it when I start my own weight loss journey all these feelings come up again?? I am not sure, but I know they have a lot to do with my struggles on perfection, and on recognizing that I deserve to be loved, and most importantly that one day I could even get married, sometimes these feel so foreign to me but they are hard to explain to others, because it is really just one of those things that experience influences. so if anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them!

I will report on my changes for the week either Sunday or Monday, oh and wish me luck as I work to keep de-junking my room!!


Monday, June 10, 2013

Amazing weekend

Dearest Friends-

This weekend was so much fun. I love to be outdoors. I love to watch the stars. They were beautiful and there were so many. I have always been in awe of the heavens. One day I want to go to space, I just am amazed at all of God's creations. Something tried to get into our cabin in the middle of the night, it scared the crap out of me and my friend Desi. There were only 3 of us in a cabin and we locked the doors. So no one could get in. I made some good friends and am in awe of people's strength and inner beauty.

So this week went way better than I thought it would. I was carrying a little water and thought for sure I would have little to no weight loss but I was very wrong. I was so excited. It made me want to keep doing well. Reflecting on this made a difference in how I view things. Each week I recommit to live the gospel. I partake of the sacrament and start anew. Each week is fresh and new and each week can be looked at with a renewed sense of hope. I am beginning to recognize the connections in other parts of my life and how when I treat myself better that I want to be better, that is all.

So for the number, I lost 4 pounds this week. I was so surprised and so happy with it. I will keep working hard and recommitting each week. I will reach my first goal in the next couple weeks!! Wish me luck!! 15lbs down and 5 to go to reach my first 20 pounds!! I am so excited to be so close to my first goal!!

Love you!


Friday, June 7, 2013


My dearest lovelies-

It is friday!! FINALLYYYY!!!!!! It has been a long the longest week of my life, at least the last year of my life. So I am so glad it is Friday. It is also my ward campout and I am so excited. I am looking forward to camping, looking at the stars and smelling like campfire.

So enough about that. This week was good. I felt really emotionally all over the board, and my normal out for emotional days is eating. I want to proudly say I did not emotionally eat really this week. There was very little sugar which is rare, and decent meals with lots of vegetables. I am very proud of the week I had. I didn't get too much exercise in but I feel like my eating will be enough. I will be happy with one pound, but I am hoping for a couple. But Aunt Martha is expected and that makes for interesting times. So yeah! Wish me luck!

Thanks for all your love and support!! Keep it coming each new day can use it!


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Good Eating, Emotional Days

Hello my darlings,

I hope you are all doing so fantastic! I hope you have set goals and are reaching outside yourself to reach them!! So like my title says I have been doing my part. I have been eating really well. So well infact that today I didn't get enough to eat before dinner and I had a major headache until I ate. I thought I had done much worse, but I guess I really hadn't. I am not very good at counting my calories. When I put together I mean I guestamate (I know not a word) by using a bunch of low caloried items to make up my meals, all together they end up around a normal meal for most people. So yeah. I am mostly working on seeing what a normal serving size looks like, and I spent a lot more time trying to recognize my own full signals, I haven't been aware of those for so long that they are really difficult to understand. So yeah. I am working on it. I did feel one major gain tonight. I could feel myself begin to feel somewhat full. Little signals were hitting my brain. My eyes and my stomach kept saying it could finish but I put more than half my food away for another meal and I felt really good about the win. I am happy with it.

I have had some emotional ups and downs the last couple of days. And I know some of my eating habits in the past have led me to binging during these emotional times, making me a clear emotional eater. I tried really hard to avoid my regular pitfalls and I feel really good about my choices this week. I really hope it pays off this week.

Thanks for all  your love and support, I definitely need as much as I can get!!

Love you!


Sunday, June 2, 2013

New Way in begins a new week

Hey friends!!

I am so excited to begin a new week! I felt like last week was one of those weeks were I just trudged through, every step was hard, eating or should I say not eating was harder. I feel really excited that today is a new week. I am recommitting myself to my diet. I will be better. I did okay even though my eating was bad, I think part of what saved me was that I got off my toosh and did more! I am so glad I did. I think it helped to pay off. I promise I will reveal the weightloss in a minute. A couple of notes first.

First on side effects. I have spent the last week on the higher dose of Qsymia. I had headaches and was super tired for the first couple of days. But that has pretty much worn off now. I noticed a little tingling in my face and had hoped I had gotten away with no tingling in my feet. But I was wrong. I got some tingling in my feet today. Not too bad very tolerable. It was horrible before so this is okay. But beaware that it does happen and can be very uncomfortable. Second I had my first time my body couldn't process the fats I was eating. Let's just keep this G rated and say to keep fats under control. I haven't eaten out a ton or eaten much fried food but I over did it with some cheese today and learned my lesson, enough said.

On another note. For those who are wondering the dinner tonight was a bust. I didn't even need to let the concerns be there cause he was not the kind of person I would be attracted to. I always thought living on farm could be fun, but this girl is a city girl and though I wouldn't mind living in a smaller city or town I do not want to marry a farmer. I learned (a long time ago) I need someone who can hold a conversation about something other than food, someone who wants to talk, and someone who is at least as out going as me. None of which I found tonight. I feel like ranting a bit about recognizing that match making is about a whole person, and that the match tonight didn't leave me with much dignity but I will leave it be because I spent the whole night trying to not think about it.

So even though I struggled I am grateful for the weightloss for this week. Heavenly Father helped me come out on top. I lost another 2 pounds this week for a total of 11 pounds so far!! Yeah I reached my first 10 pounds!! 9 more to my first goal and 4 weeks to get there!! wish me luck! I can do it!!

Thanks for the love and support, I cannot tell you enough how much I need and appreciate it because it definately changes and encourages me!!


Saturday, June 1, 2013

Better Days

Hey friends!

Thanks for the love and support! I had a better couple of days, we will see how good or bad the scales says I did in the moring. I cannot be upset at myself if I lost any or stayed the same. I am really hoping I didn't gain. I am recommitting myself tonight not just to dieting this isn't a diet, this is a life style change, this is so I don't get a heart attack or die in a few years time. So I am going to be better! Thanks, keep sending the messages I love it!
I have been thinking all day about a few things. Do you every wonder how people can be so judgmental about looks, personalities, or other characteristics that are not always to be blamed on the person. I have though about this alot in the whole of my life, I really struggled with weight, with self image and many of my own demons in this area came because of how others viewed me, saw my struggles. I even had a guy tell me once after he found out that I didn't have a thyroid that he had judged me wrong, that he thought I was basically an out of control eater who I believe the words were ate her way into a hole. I had friends who used to tell me that they were dating the pretty girls cause it was fun but I was who they would take home to mom. I never brought me comfort. I guess the point I am getting to is that I spent a lot of time worrying and feeling frustrated and upset that others don't see what is on the inside when that is what really counts.
I worked at the temple until last August. I was talking to one of the dear friends I made working there and he was telling me about a young man in his ward who he knows who he thought I should meet. He told me he would like me despite my physical flaws, and he told me of some of his struggles. I am going to dinner at my friends house to meet him tomorrow but I found myself all day feeling frustrated with myself because some of this young man's flaws aren't all his fault, learning or congitive development problems are tough struggles and he told me he works hard and would treat me or any women right. But I found myself caught up in the same circle of thought that troubles my own relationships with the other sex. I am not picky, I have very few requirements of my furture spouse, I want him to put the lord first, I want him to take me to the temple, to do his home teacher, read his scriptures and pray, I want him to go to the temple, use and honor his priesthood, and never have had an addiction to porn. I learned a long time ago I would be fine with any finacial situation Heavenly Father chose to put me in. I don't care what he does for a living as long as he is happy. But I found myself so frustrated over this very thing today. This guy my friend wants to introduce me to has a full time job, he graduated from high school, but he has never gone to college. I am not asking for much, and though I know I want to teach I do know I want to be a mom first, I want to raise my children and not be tied to a job. But this is one of those things that shouldn't matter, if he has all those things that matter and I love him why would it matter.
Now of course I am not in love with guy, and I may not even be attracted to him at all. SO I could be worrying for nothing. But what I am worried about is the bigger picture. Why am I so bothered about something that in the long run, the eternal scheme doesn't matter. It feels like it should be equivilant to the way  I feel about men judging me solely on my looks and not learning to love my heart. So again why I am I so bothered by the exact same problem. Am I horrible?!?