Friday, June 14, 2013

Friday Fun Day and More Serious Ideas

Hey Friends-

So this week has been really good, or at least I hope it has. I have been eating and drinking well. I had my first fries the other day in a week or two and they were kind of gross. It was weird to feel that change. Also sweets are slowly taking a hike from my diet completely. It is weird how my insatiable sweet tooth slowly is disappearing. I am grateful that is for sure! I am happy with things as they are, hopefully this week will show is on the scale because I have lacked when it came to exercising. Yeah I need to definitely be better at that. So yeah. We will see what Sunday morning weigh in holds. I should start measuring because I know my clothes are getting bigger on me, my jeans are falling right off my hips, not that I really have much in the hip or tush region anyways. 

There are other thoughts I have been wrapping my head around and trying to understand and explain. First I never really expected the beginning of my weight loss journey would cause so many of these feelings to resurface. I knew I have had them. I even knew I had them but felt I had dealt with them and had moved on but this last week they have resurfaced and have caused me to do a lot of reflecting.

When you spend a lifetime, so for me 20+ years being bigger than the other kids you have a skewed body image. I honestly cannot see myself thin. I don't know what thin would look like, much less look like on me. Even if I did I am not sure I would know I am thin. See when you think you are bigger you always feel bigger than you are. I weigh far more than the size I look. But my perception is different. I sometimes feel like I look like a beached whale. This isn't the case I know this, but for others to understand you have to know this is real for those who struggle with weight. I looked at a picture of me in high school the other day and realized that I looked really good, but I felt so big, that perception never has changed. THAT is the point I am trying to make. Self perception is hard. I don't know what normal size should look like because my own body perception is so skewed.

This of course stems from my own experience of being teased and bullied as a kid. The feelings I am talking about are those self conscious, everyone is thinking mean things about me feelings. It for the most part isn't true. I know this. But it doesn't make me feel any less self conscious. We went camping last weekend as I said, they wanted all of us girls in one cabin, all the cabin bunks left were in the middle of an open space and the idea for me of sleeping there was just too much, I couldn't explain the self consciousness, but I sure felt it. Then again on Monday I went to FHE where we had a pool party and I was feeling so self conscious, but I put a smile on and joined a basketball game in the pool. I over analyze things I say when I leave after a conversation and I worry just too much. I Haven't had this problem in years. So why is it when I start my own weight loss journey all these feelings come up again?? I am not sure, but I know they have a lot to do with my struggles on perfection, and on recognizing that I deserve to be loved, and most importantly that one day I could even get married, sometimes these feel so foreign to me but they are hard to explain to others, because it is really just one of those things that experience influences. so if anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them!

I will report on my changes for the week either Sunday or Monday, oh and wish me luck as I work to keep de-junking my room!!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean, Keri. I have always had a skewed body image. I remember feeling "fat" as early as when I was eight years old! EIGHT YEARS OLD! Of course, I was just a normal-sized little girl, but that perception haunted me even as I entered middle school and was what I now consider to be an astonishingly slim 120.

Things are pretty different for me now, having gained quite a bit of weight since then. I'm not sure how I am supposed to be happy with myself when my standards have obviously been so misguided and my self-image so twisted from a very young age. You just have to remember all the people you love for so many more reasons than their appearance. Others feel the same about you. It's okay to want to feel beautiful inside and out, but you already are BOTH to more people than you know! Hang in there, you're an inspiration!

-Richelle (from the Telefund, 2008)