Thursday, June 12, 2014

1 year later

Hey Lovelies-

This post has been a long time coming! I have no idea how many read this still, but here goes nothing. A year ago, well a few weeks over a year ago, I started my journey. I have come a long ways since I first began. To date I have lost just over 100 pounds. I went from a size 32 to a 18 and 4x tops to almost out of 2x tops. These are huge changes for me. I was thinking back to the last time I remember being this small, and well it was indeed a long time ago, like before high school long time ago. All the clothes from high school I pulled out and was wearing no longer fit. So needless to say I have made some major changes.

Those major changes come not just in the waist size though, they also come in the mental state of mind. I was discussing this very thing someone who means a great deal to me the other day. I explained that I feel very lost sometimes, unsure as to who I am. See for me being fat was an identity, and while I have a ways to go and am not even close to being done I recognize I hid behind my waste size. It is no secret to anyone I think that I did that, but for me I felt like it made me invisible. As I explained this he wisely told me I was not invisible, because I was never invisible to myself, and was probably always hard on myself. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this conversation, about how I feel about me. I am not sure I will ever not be insecure, I also am sure I will also have self confidence I never had before as well, so maybe I am entering a new phase of being perfectly secure and insecure. If that is even possible, that is often how I feel. I still find myself thinking, what do you do with a fat girl, when a fat girls isn't fat, but I know this, this "fat" girl can run two miles, can hike, can bike, and swim, and any other form of exercise known to mankind. She also doesn't let much get in her way.

So I have come a long ways, there is still along ways to go, I haven't given up, I am still going, still recreating who I am, maybe not recreating, just acquainting myself with the girl on the inside, the one who has hid beneath too many layers for far too long, the girl who hid away from people, and ultimately herself, really I am just find the women with the green eyes.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Long time no write! and an Update.

Dear Lovelies-
First thing first, Happy New Year! It is 2014. I never thought this year would come and I have waited more then patiently for it to come for a few years now. My last semester in class starts on Monday. My last practicum is this semester and importantly internships are interviewed for and handed out this semester, if all goes well I will be a full fledged teacher this fall with my own class. If all goes well I will be working in Wasatch school district. If my hopes and dreams come true I would even be at my favorite elementary school there. Here is hoping!
So onto the things you want to read about. This last year has been an interesting one. I have had a lot of ups and downs, a few set backs, a few bumps in the road, and a lot of thought changing. I started the year by changing my physician who deals with my thyroid. For you who do not know I was born without a thyroid. I spent my entire life battling what I am realizing is more then a weight problem, but a food addiction and a thinking problem. This doctor specializes in Thyroid conditions and he helped me get feeling like me again, he got my levels where they should be, then he broached the subject I feared most. My weight. We talked options, weight loss surgery was his option. He had me look into it, but I knew before I left his office it wasn't the right option. I went back a couple months later and told him no, and he suggested the new FDA approved weight loss drug Qsymia. I told him I would think about it. I did some soul searching and praying, and between me and the spirit I felt impressed that not only was this the way to go but that I could finally conquer my weight loss. I could win a battle I thought was unconquerable and I could be the me I always knew was on the inside that no one really sees. Essentially God told me he is in my corner, that I need to stop hiding behind my weight and that this was my time. I really felt that. So I went back and told my doctor to go forward. He gave me the prescription and I started on Mothers day. It has been a bumpy road since then.
I never realized that I would loose so much so quickly. And when I say loose so much so quickly  I do not just mean weight. Weight is just the beginning of what I lost. I spent a life time being overweight. I spent a lifetime running away from my bullies, running away from people who love me, essentially running away from me. Loosing weight for a fat person is not just about the pounds shed, it is also about changing your thoughts, your ideas, your thinking. It is about realizing you can be something you have never known before. I had this conversation with a friend earlier this year and I said I cannot even see myself thin. I have never been thin, and I am not sure I will ever be thin. My friend being wiser then I in many ways reminded me that as long as I think that way I will never be thin. I never realized my weight loss journey would also mean loosing a train of thought that had been my constant companion my whole life. I used to think that this was as good as it is going to get, if someone can't love me now they will never love. I don't think this is as good as it is going to get, I think I can be what I want to be, do what I want to do. And yes that is as good as it is going to be and if I cannot be loved for recognizing that I have faith and confidence in myself to be what I want to be then well tough luck for you. I have always loved myself but the longer this journey goes on the more I recognize how much I really do love me and that is why I do this.

SO here is where I am, When I started this I was at a 32 pant size and a 4x shirt, I am now at a 24 size pant and actually pretty close to being a size 22. I wear a mix of 3x and 2x shirts. I might add that most my clothes in my closet have been cleaned out and sent out or given away, I either replaced them or pulled out old clothes I had since HIGH SCHOOL!! yup you read right!! I am the same size I was in High School!! I am so excited to see the changes. I have lost a total of 79 pounds and will be hitting the 100 pound mark hopefully by the end of February. I usually cannot see the change in myself that is hard for me, but the change is sizes really helps, I finally have ankles and my fingers have lost about 2 ring sizes. I found that out the hard way as I was playing in the snow and my CTR ring I had since I was 13 fell off somewhere and I cannot find it. I had to order a new one and it should be here any day. I am starting this new year off with a few goals, not resolutions as I really dislike resolutions but I am going to clean up my eating and start a more strict exercise plan. I am excited to see where this new year will take me!

Now sorry this is so long but on to you, thank you for your support, this is not something I could do without your support. There have been many conversations I had where I have been reminded I could do this, been inspired to keep trying, and been grateful for the love and support!


Wednesday, October 2, 2013


Hey Lovelies-

Sorry this took so long! I have had a long week and have therefore not gotten to this! SO I turned the BIG 30 last week. I have been psyching myself into this age for a while, I don't think I will be getting any older anytime soon! haha. Ok on to other news. I have lost now a total of 57 pounds! I am excited, things seem to still be going well. I am still trying really hard and shaking things up when needed. In September I lost 9 pounds so yeah still going strong! 

As I mentioned in my last post I have been working on a project with my cousins JaNae and Jared. They just started their own photography company! It is called Norman Creative Media and they are so much fun to work with! I wanted to better keep track of the changes since I couldn't really see them so they took pictures for me. I have some befores and now some currents, and we will progress from there! Thanks Jared and JaNae! If you need pictures call them they are truly fantastic to work with!!

SO here are some befores. They were taken at my friend Carolina's wedding in May, about a week before I started my journey. Don't be too harsh these make me a bit insecure, but I am sure grateful for the before and the afters.



I am still working on this journey, but I love me and I love this journey! This is me just months later, almost sixty pounds lighter, 1 shirt size smaller and several pant sizes smaller. My jeans are beginning to grow looser once again. I am seeing new changes all the time and I feel great! I got into an old dress this last weekend, a shirt, my favorite jean jacket, and a pair of jeans one size smaller then the ones I am currently wearing! SO yeah, like I said I love me, I love me enough to do this for me! 

Thanks for the love and the support! 

Love ya


Sunday, September 15, 2013

Catching Up!

Hey Lovelies!!

It has been, well a long time. I needed some time to collect my thoughts and take care of me. I have been going up and down and struggling through some things, nothing is clear, but I am in a better place, I feel better about where I am at the moment. So I will give it over to Heavenly Father and let him make of it what it needs to be, what he wants it to be. I will just trust him and for now that has to  be enough. So there were some ups and some downs, some struggles, some disappointments, and they all led to a few ups and downs with my weight loss. I had a couple huge weight loss weeks due to not eating much, pretty much not taking care of me, then a couple weeks of rebalancing out an staying even. I am back to loosing again! 

I am happy to say that I have reached and beat my goal! I have lost as of this week a total of 51 pounds! I am so excited. I met with my physician this week and he is not only supportive and happy with my progress but he also thinks I can do this! I am starting to believe I can and will be successful. So I am working on it, on being successful at reaching my goals! I have set my next goal of another 50 pounds. I am working on my next 50 pounds and what will be my 100 pound mark. I am so excited to have my first fifty pounds behind me. I am looking forward to the next, I think it will continue to help me progress.

I have been thinking a lot about the struggle that is left with loosing weight. I have said this before, loosing weight and seeing myself clearly is harder then putting the weight on in the first place. My cousin's wife and I have been talking about this and she is going to help me with a project to help me see myself more clearly. I am looking forward to this project. I will tell you more about it after it is started!

So that was a lot but thanks for all of your love and support! I am excited to see where the next few months will take me!



Monday, August 19, 2013

Weekly Weigh in!

Hey Lovelies!

It is Monday!! Man oh man. It is starting again! A new week. I tried on some clothes I had in the back of my closet! Good news I have two pairs of pants that fit!! Yeah! I was excited. So otherwise I had a really good weigh in, which I said was expected! Four pounds! Total so far 43 pounds! Yeah! 7 to go to fifty. I think I can definitely make it by September and I am looking forward to that! So yeah. Have a great night!

Love ya'll!!


Saturday, August 17, 2013

Friday, Friday! I really love Friday!

Hey Lovelies!!

It's Friday and I am so excited! Well technically Friday is pretty much over, it is like quarter after eleven. So yeah pretty over. It was a fantastic week. Surprising since it felt like not as great a start to the week. Things have been going well. I am eating well, actually I am not sure how to explain it. This week has been a little weird, I pretty much have had no desire to eat all week. I know I haven't had enough to eat this week. It is weird cause I tried to eat, I knew I needed to eat, but I just didn't feel like it. I have come to recognize a couple of things about myself. I never understood my signals before. I understand them better now, not perfectly but better, I feel the point of satiation without getting full, I know when to stop and not have the need to keep eating. This has been a huge blessing for me to come to understand. The other thing I am recognizing and learning about myself is how hard it is to change perception about ones self. Learning to love one's self is a life long process, I long ago accepted myself for me, for who I was both inside and out. Sometimes it gets hard for me to recognize the changes on the outside because I long ago accepted myself for who I was no matter what anyone thought. My clothes no longer fit, this should be a good thing, and I admit even for me it is. However there is a part of me, though I am not sure how big or small it is, that doesn't know how to feel about it. That feels emotional confusion about how to feel about it. I don't know how to explain it others then I put on my clothes and they fall off so clearly I am getting smaller, like a lot of inches smaller, but when I look in the mirror I do not see it. I am not sure how long this will take to understand or see but I will get there. I am grateful for the help I am receiving in loosing weight. I am grateful for the changes and the new acceptance of who I am but I am coming to recognize they take time. But it is important. So this week should be a good week, mostly cause I wasn't hungry and didn't eat much. But It should be good!

Other things have been on my mind this week. One of the biggest is faith. I have had a few things on my mind and needed clarity beyond what I was getting on my own. I asked two priesthood holders from my ward to give me a blessing and I gained insight into me, into what Heavenly Father does for me in ways I sometimes won't let him. He reminded me how he has put me on a path and how up until now I have done what he asked but with a crutch, or with trying to protect myself the only way I know how. It was so direct to stop trying to go around but rather to be on the path and experience it. It led me to much pondering and praying, it left me with an understanding about myself I never had before to understand what my two biggest fears are. I feel more and more confident in what He wants from me and where I could be going, but I have to do my part. This is always hard for me. But I have to go forward in faith and trust that Heavenly Father knows what I am doing and where I am going. He knows how to make me better. He knows how to make whatever he wants of the path I am on, He knows how to make it work where I do not. My job is to pray, to listen, respond, and act in faith. Sometimes the things he asks me to do make no sense, sometimes they are hard but when I act it make sense, it works out and I will keep going!

Tonight was fun, I went out with a girl friend of mine and saw the Scarlet Pimpernel. It was funny and I really love the Elizabethan age dresses! I sure would love to wear one someday! haha! Have a fantastic weekend!!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

a couple weeks off

Hey Lovelies-

It has been a while since I have blogged!! Sorry! Life got a little or a lot crazy there for a little while, still is who am I kidding!! I have done well, I am down 40 pounds and have 10 to go for my goal of my first fifty. I am aiming to lose that by the end of August and if all goes well another fifty maybe by January! I have never written it down but I feel really good about it so here goes nothing! Wish me luck! Oh and my final went well and I got an A in my class! I am so excited to have a three week break!

Love ya!