I am still alive!!

Hey lovlies-


Sorry but school took over my life and the last month has been learning to breath again!! I appreciated being so busy, A- I got a lot done, and B- I was so busy I didn't have to think about anything other then school. No worries about dating or the lack thereof, no worries about being married, or not. It was a nice pleasant thing.


I have to say some of the biggest things I struggle with are still there when all the craziness wore off. I feel great, my life is good and I am blessed. But I still feel, at times almost overwhelmingly, that there is something missing. That thing missing is the thing I have wanted more then anything my entire life. Now it seems I am back at square one trying to learn to be okay with where I am in life. School isn't done fast enough, finding someone who I can love more then myself, and put before myself, and just being satisfied with who I am when I look in the mirror. I realize now something, that no matter who you are there are demons in the closet and they come out and show you that you have to always work at the things that are the hardest.


On a side not, I chopped my hair completely off, like 14 inches or so!! I don't miss it, and no I didn't cry. I think this new look is here to stay for a while! I like it more then any other time I have changed my hair.


I will try to appear more frequently this summer, but come fall there is no promises!!


Hugs and kisses!!

Toilets and a 2 year old!

Hey lovelies-

I have a great story for you all!! I went to take lunch home to my mom today. What I found was not what I was expecting. I thought I would be home for like 10 minutes, not so much! My mom had her visiting teachers in the living room and my nephew had locked himself in the bathroom! So I asked him to open the door, but he wouldn't. I tried to jimmy it open but nothing would work. All while this is going on my nephew who is almost three was playing in the water, dumping it into what I thought was the toilet and flushing the toilet! To get back into the bathroom I ended up taking off the door knob! I found in the bathroom one very wet floor, wet little boy and a big mess!! He had apparently flushed stuff down the toilet as it will not flush. I looked into the toilet and what did I find but grandma's electric toothbrush! oi! Well needless to say he got back in his pjs and I cleaned up the mess!

That wasn't his only mischief for the day! I walked into the family room where our tv is. I could hear him but I couldn't see him. In one corner is our Christmas tree with all the boxes in the back corner. I found him sitting on the boxes! I couldn't coax him out, it took a big lift and a lot of little pokes from the Christmas tree!

What a day, I think I might go home and confine myself to my room! haha

Have a great day lovelies!

Thanks!

I love Thanksgiving! A whole holiday set apart that we can express our gratefulness and appreciation to God and those we love. We get to be grateful the bounties on our tables, our families we share those bounties with and remember that we are blessed. I hope this Holiday Season we can continue to express our gratitude in more abundance!

Remembering

Today is the day we choose to remember past and present soldiers. Men and women whose choice was to go to war for our rights, our freedoms, a place we all call home. They left their families to take care of our families, they and their families pay high prices at our expense, some even the ultimate price.

I once had the opportunity to visit the American Cemetery at Normandy beach, and other places where men fought just like my grandpas fought. I was touched and it brought a tear to my eye. They fought for us, they fought so that we could retain our peace, our freedoms, and our right to call America home.

I think today the sacrifices of the men and women of our armed forces are overlooked and forgotten. We worry about money, religion, politics, and many more things. But each of those things came at price. May we never forget the lives given so that we can continue to have our rights.

Mistletoe and Kissing

Hey Lovelies-

It is Monday again! How did that happen? It is all Hallows Eve, so please enjoy the tricks, and definitely love the treats!

I had a strange dream last night, and I cannot shake the feeling it left me with upon waking. It has a bit of a story behind it. When I first went to London I met him there. We became friends and I was grateful for the friendship we formed. The last night we were there he and his best friend put mistletoe up in the doorway and then told me to kiss him under the mistletoe. I kind of refused him at first, only kissing his cheek. I often have looked back on that memory and wondered if I regretted not kissing him. I think I discovered for the first time that I do.

See in my dream I was in an elevator, don't ask I do not know. And someone, not sure who it was, was telling me about something, I am going to assume it was about a relationship. I woke up right after I told them I never kissed him, that I didn't kiss him under the mistletoe and for the first time I think I realized that I wish I had kissed him. I told him no for all sorts of reasons, I had never been kissed by anyone and didn't want the first person I kiss be a regret. But instead I am left with one. I still wonder how our relationship would have been different then it was. I don't know if it would have changed anything. But I know one thing, one day I will give a guy the chance, and if I find myself under the mistletoe with someone, I will take advantage of it and kiss them!

Reflections in the Mirror

Good Afternoon my lovelies!!

It is Friday, can you believe it! I might die with excitement for a little break and so much to do!!

I have been doing a lot of inner soul searching as of late. I know, not that uncommon, but none the less I have been. I have always struggled with weight, and as a child and teenager it was the worst feeling in the world. I would hear other kids snide comments, things about my weight, being fat, about using dieting places like Jenny Craig. It hurt alot, what was worse was having best friends who would tell me I was cool and would get dates to things like the prom but of course they wouldn't take me. I often felt like screaming when they told me that. Like telling them if they weren't willing to take me, why would someone else? It was hard, but I felt like I took it well. I could look in the mirror and be happy with me, with who I am as a person. I never seemed to bother me, except the lack of dating and always wishing someone would love me, I had a great life and realized that no matter what I was loved, sometimes it wasn't enough but I knew I had worth and was okay with me.

That seems hard to think about, but what is worse is what I am about to say. Call me crazy but I thought my life had finally worked out, it worked out just the way I wanted. I found a great guy who loved me for me. And though he was on his mission at the time I thought when he got back we would be married. But we weren't and life doesn't go the way we plan and for me right now that is okay. But what I am not okay with is the way I see myself in the mirror. The way I feel self conscience about myself, about my body image. He never told me he didn't love me, he never told me I was fat. I am sure he didn't feel that way. But I know right now, somewhere in my sub conscience that I feel that way. That I am fat, that is the reason why I feel so blue sometimes, that is the reason why he didn't want me, and that is the very reason why I am invisible to others. I feel like people look around me instead of seeing me. I feel like deep down inside I am a pretty, smart, funny, and loving person. Yet on the outside under all the layers on top that gets lost, others can't see it. Instead I find myself feeling fat, looking fat, and all this keeps me from being me, reaching my full potential. I make plans to do better, to eat right and exercise, but in the end I end up eating to much, feeling to guilty, and I guess in someways unlovable.

I realize this is myself. This is me alienating myself. I even realize that others don't feel the way about me that I feel they do. But when I look at myself in the mirror, it is all there, I am not good enough, pretty enough, or enough of anything to get what I really need and want, a husband, kids, a chance at a life I feel I read only in fairy tales.

I am not sure how to change, how to change the way I feel, how to change the way I look, I was comfortable with me, I was happy being me, now I am not so sure. Where did the confidence I had in myself, the love for myself go?

Love Waits

Good Afternoon Lovelies!

Have you ever thought about love? I mean not the word or being in love, but feeling love, and your ability to give love. This has been a recent thought of mine. I love people, I love to tell others I love them and to show them love through touch, hugs, kisses, and tickles. But my ability to give others love isn't the same as being in love with someone.

I say that because of inner reflection on myself and my life. There is a freedom in knowing your heart is your own again, to give and take as you please. But the giving of your heart is hard, it takes trust, trust that the one you give it to will not break it. I gave my heart, willingly to someone that I thought would love forever. I hoped it wouldn't end like it did. And though now I see why it happened, not that he didn't care for me like I did him, but he changed and I changed. Those two long years were ones that gave me hope and faith in my future and God's plan for me. With that said and knowing I am over him it doesn't mean I am ready to run out my door and give my love to the next guy that comes along.

In fact since discovering that I am over him I haven't really looked at all. The pain of the last year haven't left my memory, or my heart since it began. I was thinking about this because I realized there is no one. I mean I want to date but that is a far cry from dating one person exclusively. In the past when I let someone go in my heart it took time to heal, but this feels like this time it has lasted extraordinarily long. So comes my conclusion of late, a person may no longer be in love with someone, but it doesn't mean they or their heart are ready to be given to someone else. It seems that getting over someone and having your heart heal are to exclusive parts of moving on.

Thoughts?