Monday, November 29, 2010

The Meandering Mind

Hello Folks!

I hope you all had a pleasant holiday! Mine was good, good food, family, and time to relax. Even a little shopping. All in all a great Holiday! I have been thinking alot lately, I know, I know, me thinking, it always means trouble. So first, I never noticed that people notice me. I mean I am here and all, but I never felt like a looker, you know, the ones guys notice. I tend to pull my hair back alot, the other day I went to church with it down, and it wasn't the girls who noticed but the guys! I never realized that they noticed me, let alone paid enough attention to know I had done something a little different. It made me feel good. Guys should always compliment girls, they always take time to get ready, and they never hear how great they look. It made me feel like a million bucks!

Second, still worrying about my life. Why do we worry? I mean, really, I am a planner, and I like to know what I am doing, how things are supposed to work out. I remember as a young teenager worrying about money, how things were going to be paid for, and my parents never even really expressed those kinds of worries to me. It is odd I know. But really. I wonder, what if I wait for him to figure it out? How will God make it work? What if I am supposed to wait only for God to make something else work out? Where is my life going? Where will I be in 10 years? You know, these are all things I worry about. Some say live today, don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will come whether I worry or not. But I do not know how to live that way. I live today, and worry about tomorrow, because only by worrying about tomorrow will things get done.

I saw a sign on a church the other day. It said, "Is God your steering wheel or your emergency breaks? I thought a lot about this, I could see how someone would use him as the emergency breaks. How many times in my own life do I put myself in a situation and let God pull me out of my own emergency. But God doesn't steer, that is why we have agency. We steer. The question should be do we let God show us the road? We have to steer our lives, but we do not have to follow his path. If our will is aligned with his we will steer our will on the path he wants us on. There will be no need for the emergency break. The road may still be bumpy and rocky, but we for the most part will be able to keep ourselves effectively on his road.

It is funny I feel this way about turning our wills over to God. Mostly because I really do worry over life's next steps. I do have concerns about not knowing where I am going. But I do have faith in my God. If I do follow him, if I trust his directions I will be led to where I need to be. So though the road is hard, and though it is not always clear, we need to stay on it, try our best to follow it. And though I may worry, everything will turn out alright, because in the end God is on my side!

Well all don't forget the reason for the season while amidst the hustle and bustle!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving Day

Welcome to Thanksgiving Eve!!

I love Thanksgiving, It is my favorite time of year. It is the kick off of the holidays. It is a time to be with family. To be remember all the things we are all so blessed with, and to be grateful for all the things that we should be grateful for everyday! But this day we get to spend more time thinking of those things, telling people what we are grateful for them. remembering how God blesses us all. Truly we are blessed, I am blessed. I am not as grateful nor deserving as I should be. I am grateful.

I love this holiday. I often feel it gets the rip off! I love the beautiful turkey, golden brown freshly taken out of the oven. The way it spreads through a room, making your tummy's growl in anticipation of the glorious meal you are about to partake in! I love sitting around a table with the ones I love, taking in the beauty of their love, the laughter of something funny. I even love how my sweet pup looks up at me longing for a bite off my plate! Thanksgiving has something special to offer. It begins the best time of the year, the time to celebrate the birth and the life of our Savior. Christmas and Thanksgiving have come to mean so much more to me as an adult then it did as a child. As a child I always loved missing school, I loved Santa, and the presents. As an adult I have come to treasure the opportunity to worship this time of year brings, I have come to find that I get more joy in giving then in receiving, and that the time spent with family can be precious! Take the time this Thanksgiving to remind someone you love that you are grateful for them. To thank your maker for the bounteous blessings you receive at his hand, and be reminded of the important things in life that the every day life seems to take away!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Chasing Pavements

Welcome to this brisky, blustery, wintery morning!

I have many thoughts to share today, but to begin, a snow memory. Remember the magic of snow as a child? I do. Every snow we get I find the 8 year old inside myself staring at the window. Hoping for feet, not inches of snow. Watching each big flake fall from the sky. Staring up into it always made me feel as if I am moving into it like a rocket blasting off from the earth, instead of it gently falling to its resting place on the cold earth beneath my toes. Hoping that tomorrow would be a snow day. I would lay in my warm bed in my comfy pj's and sleep, or read a book. I would wrap up with a blanket and watch the snow with a big cup of steamy hot chocolate. I love the snow.

On to other thoughts! Adele sings a song it is called Chasing Pavements. I first found this song almost two years ago. It was the first Christmas he was gone. To say I was miserable is a bit of an understatement. I would have been happy if I had missed Christmas, because celebrating Christmas with him wasn't celebrating at all. There was only one person in the world I wanted to be with, to share my Christmas joy with, and he lived halfway around the world. I ran onto this song one morning, on the radio, and it was exactly how I felt. Should I go or should I stay, and keep chasing the pavements of love, the pavement I had no idea how it would work out. It was a hard Christmas, and even harder to ponder the idea of leaving everything I thought I wanted. Well obviously something made me decide to continue to wait for him. It was a letter. It was all I needed, a little reminder that he cared, and a big reminder to me where my heart stood. It was his, I had after all already given it away. It was his, I was not an indian giver, I couldn't just take it back.

Funny that two years later, it is Christmas time again. I find myself in almost the same predicament. I was listening to the radio the other day and what happens to come on but this very song. It made me realize how much it means to me to this very day. I still love him. I tried to get over him. For the love, I even kind of played someone's heart. I am sorry for that. But to no avail. I still love him. I still want only him. I don't know what I expected when he came home. Certainly not what has happened. But then again I guess everything has a purpose. I guess I had hoped maybe spending New Years with him. With the the man who I gave my heart to so long ago. But that isn't going to happen. At least in my knowledge it won't. What am I supposed to do. My heart is still his. He tried to give it back. But I still have feelings for him. It still feels right. How am I supposed to explain to someone who says he can't that you feel you still need to? It isn't going to go over well. You know?

So here I am Chasing pavements, again, not being sure if I should be leaving, or keep chasing the payment of love? Does that sound confusing enough for anyone else? Thought so!

Well keep reading, keep writing, and most importantly keep your pencils sharp!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Love 'em

"Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." -- Henri Frederic Amiel

I loved this quote when I saw it earlier. It got me thinking about a blog I read last week, it was written by Dan Pearce, he writes "Single dad laughing" I love his blog. Anyways he came to a realization and I love this realization he came to. Women do not love themselves, not because of the magazines, the movie stars, or each other. Rather it is because of men, particularly the way men view women.

As a women, and one who struggles with weight issues I know this oh so well. I was that girl in high school who always wanted to go to prom, and my best friends who were guys wouldn't take me, but would chalk up some excuse that another guy would. I was the girl who had a really cute skinny girlfriend who would tell me that my personality and her looks would make the perfect girl. It hurt. I guess it still does. I believe it is true, women are beautiful whether we are thin or fat, pretty, or clumsy, and if men saw that real beauty within each of us and appreciated us as women, not as sex objects they would realize we have alot to offer them.

I am 27, I have several really good friends, we are all in the older twenties to early thirties. I often look at them and think, Gosh why aren't these smart beautiful ladies snatched up? Then I look at the guys around us and their ideals, and most of all, their straying eyes. Seriously guys, you do not see what good women are in front of you because you are looking for a women who is skinny, blond, tall, big boobs, you know the ones. And don't think I don't know because I do. The dad, you know the single one I mentioned earlier said it right. We notice you looking. You try stealth glances at the magazines, you check out girls on the streets, sometimes even when women are with you. We notice, and it hurts.

The truth about women, you want it men? It is easy. Women want to feel loved. Need to feel needed, listened to, and all without having to change who they are. We want to feel beautiful just the way we are. Loved just the way we are. We don't want to feel like we need to be someone else, without words we feel that pressure. Let that Lady you love know, tell her she is perfect, tell you love her, but then show her, don't look at the magazine, the other women, look at her, really look at her. She will notice, and trust me, you will recoginze the change it brings in both of you!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Loss of Words

Well folks- Welcome to the wordless world of Keri!!

Where to begin? I am not even sure that there is a beginning?
Have you ever been at a loss of words, no way to explain exactly the whirlwind of thought spinning endlessly in your head, the ones that you keep going through until you are too dizzy to know up from down? Well I am there now people!! And for any of you readers who know me that is a difficult task, hence the break in writing.

So to begin. Well where to begin, again the loss of words thing, it can be a bother. Today I am listening to Boston, and though I started writing something else this song has given me a nostalgic moment, and that feeling in the pit of your stomach, you know the one. Like something is missing? It takes me back to London, not Boston, takes me away from Utah, and yes I am tired of the weather. It takes me to the Swiss alps, the long nights walking the steep hills, the high rocky mountains seen from the top of the Shield horn. Most of all it reminds me of the day in the pub with him. His smile as we laugh at something funny, the nervousness I felt in the pit of my stomach as I said goodbye for two long years. Sitting on the train, my head leaning against the window wondering when I would see him again as it took me away from the place I knew he was at. Waiting each week for a letter, and stalking the mailman waiting for that letter I so desperately needed to get through another week. It takes me back to my first lonely Christmas without him, and only wishing he were here to celebrate with me. It takes me back to a few months ago, being excited of his coming home, hoping things would work out. It even takes me back to those heart breaking moments where he chose not me.

But here is the thing, even with all those moments, the good and the bad I still love him. The funny thing is I have tried so hard to get over him. I have tried to get out, find a new town, to find a new path. Get new weather, be a new person. Essentially run away from how I am feeling lost, being lost, and not sure what steps to take. I have done much introspection lately, over my own thoughts, actions, and decisions. My conclusion? Well it sounds strange but the first time I felt peace about my life, about me, about where I am, where I am supposed to be is exactly where I was to begin with. Exactly where I am right now. But where is that one might ask? Well this one is why I am at a loss of words. The peace I feel comes not just from being still if you will. I guess it all really goes back to a moment, a moment of real frustration expressed to a friend in saying he was the last right thing in my life. It occurred then and at other quiet moments that I dispelled, that maybe he really still was right. And that I was looking at all the wrong things, boys, jobs, running away from what I really needed to be doing. Being still and letting him figure it out. I remember just telling God that if this is what he wants I will do it.

There was no earth shaking revelation, just peace that I realized a few days later came. After spending time pondering I had my answer. What this will bring me, I am not sure. More heart ache, likely. But hopefully in the end, real satisfaction that I did what I was supposed to, and God will put the rest in order. Not sure how, not sure when. But that is what I must do. And for such an answer then is nothing but a real loss of words and expressions to explain how I feel and where I am going.

So until another day, keep your minds bright, your pencils sharp, Peace!