Monday, November 15, 2010

Chasing Pavements

Welcome to this brisky, blustery, wintery morning!

I have many thoughts to share today, but to begin, a snow memory. Remember the magic of snow as a child? I do. Every snow we get I find the 8 year old inside myself staring at the window. Hoping for feet, not inches of snow. Watching each big flake fall from the sky. Staring up into it always made me feel as if I am moving into it like a rocket blasting off from the earth, instead of it gently falling to its resting place on the cold earth beneath my toes. Hoping that tomorrow would be a snow day. I would lay in my warm bed in my comfy pj's and sleep, or read a book. I would wrap up with a blanket and watch the snow with a big cup of steamy hot chocolate. I love the snow.

On to other thoughts! Adele sings a song it is called Chasing Pavements. I first found this song almost two years ago. It was the first Christmas he was gone. To say I was miserable is a bit of an understatement. I would have been happy if I had missed Christmas, because celebrating Christmas with him wasn't celebrating at all. There was only one person in the world I wanted to be with, to share my Christmas joy with, and he lived halfway around the world. I ran onto this song one morning, on the radio, and it was exactly how I felt. Should I go or should I stay, and keep chasing the pavements of love, the pavement I had no idea how it would work out. It was a hard Christmas, and even harder to ponder the idea of leaving everything I thought I wanted. Well obviously something made me decide to continue to wait for him. It was a letter. It was all I needed, a little reminder that he cared, and a big reminder to me where my heart stood. It was his, I had after all already given it away. It was his, I was not an indian giver, I couldn't just take it back.

Funny that two years later, it is Christmas time again. I find myself in almost the same predicament. I was listening to the radio the other day and what happens to come on but this very song. It made me realize how much it means to me to this very day. I still love him. I tried to get over him. For the love, I even kind of played someone's heart. I am sorry for that. But to no avail. I still love him. I still want only him. I don't know what I expected when he came home. Certainly not what has happened. But then again I guess everything has a purpose. I guess I had hoped maybe spending New Years with him. With the the man who I gave my heart to so long ago. But that isn't going to happen. At least in my knowledge it won't. What am I supposed to do. My heart is still his. He tried to give it back. But I still have feelings for him. It still feels right. How am I supposed to explain to someone who says he can't that you feel you still need to? It isn't going to go over well. You know?

So here I am Chasing pavements, again, not being sure if I should be leaving, or keep chasing the payment of love? Does that sound confusing enough for anyone else? Thought so!

Well keep reading, keep writing, and most importantly keep your pencils sharp!

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