Friday, September 24, 2010

Only One Life to Live

Hello Bloggers, Blogger Readers, and Maybe a Few Blogger Stalkers!! HAHA I crack myself up!! :)

Life is a big ball of curves, I am not even sure that this even makes sense to anyone but me. But let me explain. See all my life I have these moments where I am going in the right direction, good things are supposed to happen, then life throws you a curve ball right. It usually hits me in the gut, and I am down for the count. I'll give you a few examples:

Example 1:

I was in the Seminary Teaching program, it felt right, I knew I was supposed to be there, do it you know? Well time came for them to route the ones going on and tell the rest good luck with life and friendly wave on out. I was expecting the green light. Instead I got a big fat red light, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.00, C-ya good luck with life wave on the way out. I was devistated. I won't lie, I was the kind of person who through college had no real plan, thought I wanted to go to law school, changed my mind, thought I wanted to teach elementary school, changed my mind, but here I was on a path I wanted to be on, and was excited to do for the first time. But with no path now, what? And man was I out for the path, I explored all my options for being able to do it again. Next thing I know I am on a plane to London, didn't see that one coming, for the best semester of my life, and I would do it again. I love the city, I love the people. But again a big curve ball totally unseen before all the doors shut.

Example 2:

I worked at the telefund really hard, but I never got on leadership. I worked there for years, and tried my hardest to show I did my best. Eventually I think it lost it draw, because when I got a second job I picked up more hours there, spent more time there working. It was nice to do something different for a change, not to depend upon something that I wanted so bad. Everytime leadership picks came out I remember telling God in my prayers how much I needed it, how hard I worked, and how much I wanted to be noticed for the hard work I did. Everytime I didn't get it I was heart broken, crushed, and very sad. It was a low blow and often knocked me off my feet. I also often had to take time for myself and figure out why I did my job, because everytime it hurt not be recognized for the leadership skills I possessed. The nice part was the curve, when I graduated I still had a job because of forementioned second job. I later got a full time job offer with the same company. It has been nice to have that, and know it was prepared.

Example 3:

This was probably the hardest punch in the gut I got, I am definatly down for the count. See you all know about the missionary coming home and not choosing me. Well what do you do when you were on that path, the right path, the one where your heart and mind where on the path together? The one where certain revelation that we are all able to get for ourselves tells you that you are supposed to get the guy, it is going to work and the wait is going to be worth it? What do you do when you wait all that time, holding faith trying to believe, then that faith turns to hope only to have those hopes dashed because he has his agency and he chose not you? Well I am there? It is a hard dish to swallow, a hard punch to catch your breath from, and sometimes and somedays it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.

But life throws us curves, and it is our job to figure out how to handle it. I only have one life to live, and I have to live it right? I guess that is where I am. Trying to figure out what is next. Sometimes I wish the path would magically appear, that after two long years of struggling to keep my feet beneath me, that the path would be clear. But I guess my struggles just aren't over yet. It is hard to think that two months ago I was thinking about him coming home, hopefully loving me, wanting to get married. Maybe move to London, maybe stay here. Today I am thinking about life, what do I want, how do I get it, go back to school, find a new job, stay here, crawl under my covers, I just don't know. None of it really sounds or feels right, maybe it is because nothing feels right, not yet at least. Sometimes I wonder what is it I am supposed to be learning from this, continue to have faith, because there have been some hard times, patience, learning that life goes on? I went to Institute on Tuesday night, we are studying the Docterine and Covenants. In the early chapters they discuss the need to learn how to recieve revelation, teaching them what ways to recognize it. The words spoken to some of the early members where spoken almost to me. It was still hard to hear them, mostly because in my heart I ache, in my heart I want one thing, but in the world I do not get that.

It is true, life throws you curve balls, they are unexpected. I am trying not complain, not to let it get to me, but at times like this, where I feel a little or lot lost, when I am a little or a lot emotional, when he creeps into my dreams and they leave me more lonely in the waking hours then I was before, it is just hard. Hard not to feel out for the count, hard to find the next step, and sometimes that step in the dark becomes one we are not willing or ready to take yet. So yes, we only have one life to live.

Friday, September 17, 2010



So to start off updates. Me still heart broken, getting through it. But heart ache takes time, and though time never heals all wounds, time does have a way of helping you deal with them. One thing that helps me deal with them, music! I love music, it caters it all feeling, love, fear, hope, happiness, sadness, heartache. I found my song, the one that has words for my heart. I know Taylor Swift is a little Cliche, for the most part I don't think she sings well, but as a writer she is brilliant, whether you like to admit it or not. So here it is,

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,And sometimes we change our minds.
But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time.
Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.
And we know it’s never simple,Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,Breathe,Without you,
But I have to,Breathe,Without you,
But I have to.
Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.
And we know it’s never simple,Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,Breathe,Without you,
But I have to,Breathe,Without you,
But I have to.
It’s two a.m.Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it’s not easy,Easy for me.
It’s two a.m.Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain’t easy,Easy for me.
And we know it’s never simple,Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
OhhhI can’t,Breathe,Without you,
But I have to,Breathe,Without you,
But I have to.
So there you go. Now onto other things. Been thinking a lot about dreams, not just the ones you hold onto and loose but the ones you have a never set out to do. You know the ones? The ones you hide in your inner self and think, I coulda shoulda woulda when you are old and decreped and unable to do anything about them? Well I got a few, and I keep thinking how cool it would be to do some of those things, funny thing is I wouldn't even know where to start on a single one of them.
Dream numero uno, I always thought it would be cool to take a little paint, some wall paper, pick out cool furniture and have a designer house!! Yep always wanted to be a interior decorator! In fact the bug bit one time as a teenager, I would watch those improve your home on a budget shows and while my parents were on vacation I redid our living room, bought some furniture at the local thrift store, covered them and the couch and cushions with duvee covers and viola! A new room for my mom! Wow! not that I can say it was the best job I ever did but it was fun! I also have taken my hand at painting and pairing, but to have the knowledge and skills behind the desire to make the dream come true would be good to!
Dream number 2. I always wanted to be a Wedding planner. I always loved the ideas of helping an exccited bride pick everything from their first song to the perfect venue! You know like Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner, maybe not so crazy and definatly not falling for the groom, but there is something special about planning weddings, I helped my best friend and I loved it! I loved thinking of the details, keeping track of them, and making things beautiful!!
Dream C: I always wanted to be a cake designer and make cupcakes. There is peace that comes from knowing that when you put the right amount of the right ingrdients together you get something that brings joy to the world! There is more happiness if you can do it with beauty! I love to watch the food network, and dream about the things I can create with the hands God gave me. The beautiful cakes, and sugary goodness that comes with a little imagination!
For the encore: My last and secretest dream is this, when I was living in London I would find little random and small book stores in both London and the little cities and towns we visited. I loved to see these because they are becoming much of a novelty here. I would love to own one in a quaint little town. Where people came to my store to browse, to get paper, to gossip about the towns comins and goins. I realize it seems unrealistic, the big bookstores are buying them out, but it would be so cool.
So dreams, not all get smashed and sometimes, smashed dreams remind you of the ones you hold onto. It is important to not let all the dreams go with what could have been! Until Later!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Chapters close, tears shed.


You know when you have a dream. A dream you hold onto for two long years. Hoping with all your might it will come true? Well what do you do when that dream is gone? Shatters if you will like you dropped a glass on cement? All that is left is the shards of your dreams left in little pieces, some even too small to pick up, and all that is left is reality that all you have left is broken dreams and no direction? How do you close that chapter and find a new one to open?
Well that is the position I find myself in this morning. Poor guy had to break my heart, and I think he felt rotten for doing it. I know if wasn't his fault, I probably love him more for it. It wasn't easy for him, and instead of being a typical guy he felt bad for telling me he couldn't give me what I wanted. He really is a great guy and will continue to be a great friend. But I will miss what could have been. Trust me there have and continues to be plenty of tears shed. But the question still remains, how do you move on from letting yourself love, letting what could have been go, and try to start again, when you really are unsure of where to go, what step to take next?
See I do not comprentalize well, I am not the kind of person who deals with something by stuffing it away in my brain. After every real heart ache I have felt I will tell you what I do because I know. I hold on to hope. Usually it pushes them away. Then when I cannot hope any longer my heart is so shattered that well it takes a year or so off. That is right folks complete cut off, no crushes, no likes, I don't even bother to look or notice. I probably will skip right to the cut off, he lives half way around the world, the hope thing isn't going to work this time, and he is still a dear friend. The not looking at guys part done, pretty much haven't done much of that for two years. haha.
But seriously, wasn't ready for this. I told him about some of the reasons why I waited. I didn't tell him about some of the things I was told, some answers and directions to my own prayers. I just don't see how some of those things are supposed to be if he doesn't choose me. Some things even my closest friends don't know, and now I am not sure what I know. How did I get so lost in this? I used to ask how a girl could fall in love with a boy half way around the world, now I am wondering what was the purpose it all of it. Because on this side of it, well it all feels pretty crumby!!
Guess that is all for now, otherwise I might continue to cry a river, and seeing as how I have to accomplish some things today and staying in bed under my covers hiding from the world isn't an option thinking isn't a real option today.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Blessed Abundently

Well Good morning, and trust me it is early for me!!

Have you ever had moments in your life when you are more aware then others of the blessings God pours down on you? I had a small reminder of this a couple weeks ago and call it a tender mercy, but I continue to see them. God truly blesses my life abundently, and much more then I deserve as I am not always the person I should be, and do not show the gratitude I should for them.

To name a few, I have a job. I may not always be happy with my job. And I may have taken to having dreams about my job recently, which is a sign of both the turmoil of the way I am stressing about what to do about work, as well as that I probably have worked too much recently. But I am blessed. Not only in the fact that I have a good Job, but that I have been doing well at my job. I scheduled a lot of meeting this month, which means a major bonus for last month which will pay out in the long run. It has been very flexible as well with my recent battles with being sick!

Another I have great friends. Savannah mu best friend has called several times both while I was sick and just to see how I am doing. I have great friends in my ward who love me, who can understand how I feel about life, my confusion, and who relate with my own frustrations. Reminding me I am never alone.

I get the opportunity to work in the temple very week. So if I don't get the chance to make it during the week, I get four glorious hours to serve in peace on Saturday. Though they are busy, I feel peace there, my mind can think clearly and I am grateful for my opportunity to be there.

I have a great family. I sometimes but heads with sister, I get frusturated with them. But who doesn't? We are family, we are all in each others business, We love eachother. I was blessed with the best mom in the world, I have not told her enough. I am so grateful for her strength, her love, her concern. she cares for me more then I will ever understand. But I can know I am grateful for her and I love her so much!!

I got a dog out of the blue? Like seriously, I wasn't looking because it wasn't an option, but he was wondering the streets. I saved him, took him to the shelter. Mom said go get him. So I did. God saw fit to give me a dog and I didn't even ask for it!! Not only that he is the best dog like really. He is good with kids, was potty trained, had him for a year, not one accident in the house yet. Doesn't bark at the neighbors, is just a chill dog. Likes to cuddle and the biggest complaint I have is he likes to sleep on my bed, right in the middle, he takes up an entire queen size bed!! AND he is a little dog!!!

I have a father in Heaven, I am his daughter. He loves me, he shows me by blessing my life abundently. I am so grateful he does. It reminds me in those moments I forget how lucky I am. I complain, I get whiny, and sometimes plain forget my life is blessed with blessing over flowing. I am grateful! So this post is for the big man upstairs! I am grateful. I do remember, usually slowly, and Thanks for the reminder!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Smorgeshbord of Thought!

Welcome back to my twisted brain, well at least the thoughts you could get lost in, trust me it is a winding web!! haha!

First I believe my favorite season has arrived!! I can smell it in the air, and more importantly I can feel the change in the air!! I love the fall. It feels different. Summer smells hot. Feels hot. But September marks fall and the last few mornings you could smell the cool damp grass, feel the cool damp air that only comes with the fall. It reminded me of all my favorite things: fall leaves in their varying shades of yellows, reds, and oranges. The excitement of the fans in the stands watching their favorite teams take their places on the green grass as they clash with the opposing team. Warm pots of chili and soups! What is there not to love about this beautiful season, it is my favorite time of year!! It is very nostolgic for me!!

Second, I had a chance to go out with my best friend!! We went to dinner and it was such a nice night! I love this girl to peices. We have been friends since we were like 14, and never had a fight! She has been there through the ups of my life, and the definate downs! I am one lucky person to have a great friend. God has made it very clear recently that I have been blessed abundantly and this was one gentle reminder from God that he cares and loves me. Sometimes God puts people in our lives to make a difference and change us for good, she would be that person for me! Thank you Savannah, if I haven't told you lately I love you and am grateful for your friendship, love, and most importantly for all you teach me about being a better person!

Do you ever have dreams that disturb you? Like really. You know not the kind where you are running away from a man chasing you and no matter how hard you run you cannot get anywhere, though those are disturbing. But the kind that give you an idea of the turmoil you are feeling spiritually, emotionally? Well I had one of those last night. I was in family scripture study when what I dreamed about really hit me, and man it was a wammy!! See I love him and all, but I feel like now I am on a roller coaster, in both the way I feel and about the decisions I am trying to make. I am not sure what decisons to make and how to make them? I know this all sounds stupid, after all how and why should someone else effect so much my decisons. But I spent the last two years focusing on what this situation had to offer. Now I am at the end of it and all it seems to bring me is confusion. I know he needs time, but I need answers!! How do we get both!!!! Some days it is more then I can handle.

The other thing that makes this so difficult is another situation I have been dealing with for a while. One of my other best friends has decided she is in love with what she calls a London, and now she wants to talks about it!!! Um no! It was my dream. It is supposed to be my life. Call me pathetic but we chatted on facebook last week and I told her how things were. I feel like she doesn't understand me much anymore. We aren't the same people and our friendship has grown apart since she was unable to tell me some things she was feeling and I got word of it by another. It is just frusturating. How to deal with this all. I sometimes want to be like the osterich, dig a hole and stick my head in it until all the confusion, emotional stress has passed. Pathetic yes, is it the way I feel though yes!!

I hope after expressing myself so openly none of my few readers think badly of me, but what am I supposed to do?