You know when you have a dream. A dream you hold onto for two long years. Hoping with all your might it will come true? Well what do you do when that dream is gone? Shatters if you will like you dropped a glass on cement? All that is left is the shards of your dreams left in little pieces, some even too small to pick up, and all that is left is reality that all you have left is broken dreams and no direction? How do you close that chapter and find a new one to open?
Well that is the position I find myself in this morning. Poor guy had to break my heart, and I think he felt rotten for doing it. I know if wasn't his fault, I probably love him more for it. It wasn't easy for him, and instead of being a typical guy he felt bad for telling me he couldn't give me what I wanted. He really is a great guy and will continue to be a great friend. But I will miss what could have been. Trust me there have and continues to be plenty of tears shed. But the question still remains, how do you move on from letting yourself love, letting what could have been go, and try to start again, when you really are unsure of where to go, what step to take next?
See I do not comprentalize well, I am not the kind of person who deals with something by stuffing it away in my brain. After every real heart ache I have felt I will tell you what I do because I know. I hold on to hope. Usually it pushes them away. Then when I cannot hope any longer my heart is so shattered that well it takes a year or so off. That is right folks complete cut off, no crushes, no likes, I don't even bother to look or notice. I probably will skip right to the cut off, he lives half way around the world, the hope thing isn't going to work this time, and he is still a dear friend. The not looking at guys part done, pretty much haven't done much of that for two years. haha.
But seriously, wasn't ready for this. I told him about some of the reasons why I waited. I didn't tell him about some of the things I was told, some answers and directions to my own prayers. I just don't see how some of those things are supposed to be if he doesn't choose me. Some things even my closest friends don't know, and now I am not sure what I know. How did I get so lost in this? I used to ask how a girl could fall in love with a boy half way around the world, now I am wondering what was the purpose it all of it. Because on this side of it, well it all feels pretty crumby!!
Guess that is all for now, otherwise I might continue to cry a river, and seeing as how I have to accomplish some things today and staying in bed under my covers hiding from the world isn't an option thinking isn't a real option today.