Monday, October 31, 2011

Mistletoe and Kissing

Hey Lovelies-

It is Monday again! How did that happen? It is all Hallows Eve, so please enjoy the tricks, and definitely love the treats!

I had a strange dream last night, and I cannot shake the feeling it left me with upon waking. It has a bit of a story behind it. When I first went to London I met him there. We became friends and I was grateful for the friendship we formed. The last night we were there he and his best friend put mistletoe up in the doorway and then told me to kiss him under the mistletoe. I kind of refused him at first, only kissing his cheek. I often have looked back on that memory and wondered if I regretted not kissing him. I think I discovered for the first time that I do.

See in my dream I was in an elevator, don't ask I do not know. And someone, not sure who it was, was telling me about something, I am going to assume it was about a relationship. I woke up right after I told them I never kissed him, that I didn't kiss him under the mistletoe and for the first time I think I realized that I wish I had kissed him. I told him no for all sorts of reasons, I had never been kissed by anyone and didn't want the first person I kiss be a regret. But instead I am left with one. I still wonder how our relationship would have been different then it was. I don't know if it would have changed anything. But I know one thing, one day I will give a guy the chance, and if I find myself under the mistletoe with someone, I will take advantage of it and kiss them!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Reflections in the Mirror

Good Afternoon my lovelies!!

It is Friday, can you believe it! I might die with excitement for a little break and so much to do!!

I have been doing a lot of inner soul searching as of late. I know, not that uncommon, but none the less I have been. I have always struggled with weight, and as a child and teenager it was the worst feeling in the world. I would hear other kids snide comments, things about my weight, being fat, about using dieting places like Jenny Craig. It hurt alot, what was worse was having best friends who would tell me I was cool and would get dates to things like the prom but of course they wouldn't take me. I often felt like screaming when they told me that. Like telling them if they weren't willing to take me, why would someone else? It was hard, but I felt like I took it well. I could look in the mirror and be happy with me, with who I am as a person. I never seemed to bother me, except the lack of dating and always wishing someone would love me, I had a great life and realized that no matter what I was loved, sometimes it wasn't enough but I knew I had worth and was okay with me.

That seems hard to think about, but what is worse is what I am about to say. Call me crazy but I thought my life had finally worked out, it worked out just the way I wanted. I found a great guy who loved me for me. And though he was on his mission at the time I thought when he got back we would be married. But we weren't and life doesn't go the way we plan and for me right now that is okay. But what I am not okay with is the way I see myself in the mirror. The way I feel self conscience about myself, about my body image. He never told me he didn't love me, he never told me I was fat. I am sure he didn't feel that way. But I know right now, somewhere in my sub conscience that I feel that way. That I am fat, that is the reason why I feel so blue sometimes, that is the reason why he didn't want me, and that is the very reason why I am invisible to others. I feel like people look around me instead of seeing me. I feel like deep down inside I am a pretty, smart, funny, and loving person. Yet on the outside under all the layers on top that gets lost, others can't see it. Instead I find myself feeling fat, looking fat, and all this keeps me from being me, reaching my full potential. I make plans to do better, to eat right and exercise, but in the end I end up eating to much, feeling to guilty, and I guess in someways unlovable.

I realize this is myself. This is me alienating myself. I even realize that others don't feel the way about me that I feel they do. But when I look at myself in the mirror, it is all there, I am not good enough, pretty enough, or enough of anything to get what I really need and want, a husband, kids, a chance at a life I feel I read only in fairy tales.

I am not sure how to change, how to change the way I feel, how to change the way I look, I was comfortable with me, I was happy being me, now I am not so sure. Where did the confidence I had in myself, the love for myself go?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Love Waits

Good Afternoon Lovelies!

Have you ever thought about love? I mean not the word or being in love, but feeling love, and your ability to give love. This has been a recent thought of mine. I love people, I love to tell others I love them and to show them love through touch, hugs, kisses, and tickles. But my ability to give others love isn't the same as being in love with someone.

I say that because of inner reflection on myself and my life. There is a freedom in knowing your heart is your own again, to give and take as you please. But the giving of your heart is hard, it takes trust, trust that the one you give it to will not break it. I gave my heart, willingly to someone that I thought would love forever. I hoped it wouldn't end like it did. And though now I see why it happened, not that he didn't care for me like I did him, but he changed and I changed. Those two long years were ones that gave me hope and faith in my future and God's plan for me. With that said and knowing I am over him it doesn't mean I am ready to run out my door and give my love to the next guy that comes along.

In fact since discovering that I am over him I haven't really looked at all. The pain of the last year haven't left my memory, or my heart since it began. I was thinking about this because I realized there is no one. I mean I want to date but that is a far cry from dating one person exclusively. In the past when I let someone go in my heart it took time to heal, but this feels like this time it has lasted extraordinarily long. So comes my conclusion of late, a person may no longer be in love with someone, but it doesn't mean they or their heart are ready to be given to someone else. It seems that getting over someone and having your heart heal are to exclusive parts of moving on.


Friday, October 7, 2011

The World is Waiting!

Good afternoon lovelies!!

How are you all doing? So I have been thinking alot about where my life is going and what I am doing. I know I am going to school to be an elementary school teacher starting in January. With this program they have a study abroad program where I can live in New Zealand for a whole semester. I want to go on that so bad!! The world feels like it is waiting for me to bust free, climb on a plane and explore.

I feel however that it is not coming fast enough, the time to explore. And not just the study abroad I want to go on, but also the other adventures I feel looming in my heart and soul and I cannot reach them. I have expressed enough for you all to know that I have a love for everything English, including England itself. My time there was magical and in a weird way I felt more at home there then I ever have here. It was strange that on my way home from that time I spent living there that my two separate lives crashed into one. It was strange to me to hop on a plane that morning, leave all the beautiful tall skyscrapers, the busy streets, the tube with it's mind the gap signs, and find myself in the city I grew up in, with it's tall and looming mountains covered in snow, with Christmas right around the corner. I never felt so sad to come home.

Right now the burn in my heart and soul is to go back. I don't feel like my time is over yet, like I am done seeing the world. Like I am supposed to. I feel like there is more adventure out there for me, like I am supposed to go. It is hard to fight this feeling, it is hard to keep perspective when all I think about it how much I miss London, how much I miss traveling. I know I am supposed to start school again, all the right doors opened at the right time, I finished my application and felt peace about what I still needed to do. But fighting the urge to get on a plane right now is hard. I know I need to wait but wait for what exactly I do not know!!

When I was a little girl I used to run down the street to the playground to play, I loved the park I would go whenever I could. Now as an adult I feel like I need to run to the playground to play, but the park is no longer big enough for this girl, no the world has become my playground!!

Do you ever feel this way? Like there is more to life then what you are living right now?