Good Afternoon my lovelies!!
It is Friday, can you believe it! I might die with excitement for a little break and so much to do!!
I have been doing a lot of inner soul searching as of late. I know, not that uncommon, but none the less I have been. I have always struggled with weight, and as a child and teenager it was the worst feeling in the world. I would hear other kids snide comments, things about my weight, being fat, about using dieting places like Jenny Craig. It hurt alot, what was worse was having best friends who would tell me I was cool and would get dates to things like the prom but of course they wouldn't take me. I often felt like screaming when they told me that. Like telling them if they weren't willing to take me, why would someone else? It was hard, but I felt like I took it well. I could look in the mirror and be happy with me, with who I am as a person. I never seemed to bother me, except the lack of dating and always wishing someone would love me, I had a great life and realized that no matter what I was loved, sometimes it wasn't enough but I knew I had worth and was okay with me.
That seems hard to think about, but what is worse is what I am about to say. Call me crazy but I thought my life had finally worked out, it worked out just the way I wanted. I found a great guy who loved me for me. And though he was on his mission at the time I thought when he got back we would be married. But we weren't and life doesn't go the way we plan and for me right now that is okay. But what I am not okay with is the way I see myself in the mirror. The way I feel self conscience about myself, about my body image. He never told me he didn't love me, he never told me I was fat. I am sure he didn't feel that way. But I know right now, somewhere in my sub conscience that I feel that way. That I am fat, that is the reason why I feel so blue sometimes, that is the reason why he didn't want me, and that is the very reason why I am invisible to others. I feel like people look around me instead of seeing me. I feel like deep down inside I am a pretty, smart, funny, and loving person. Yet on the outside under all the layers on top that gets lost, others can't see it. Instead I find myself feeling fat, looking fat, and all this keeps me from being me, reaching my full potential. I make plans to do better, to eat right and exercise, but in the end I end up eating to much, feeling to guilty, and I guess in someways unlovable.
I realize this is myself. This is me alienating myself. I even realize that others don't feel the way about me that I feel they do. But when I look at myself in the mirror, it is all there, I am not good enough, pretty enough, or enough of anything to get what I really need and want, a husband, kids, a chance at a life I feel I read only in fairy tales.
I am not sure how to change, how to change the way I feel, how to change the way I look, I was comfortable with me, I was happy being me, now I am not so sure. Where did the confidence I had in myself, the love for myself go?