Tuesday, October 19, 2010

And Sometimes the Answer is NO!

Good Morning Infinite Information Super Highway!

Sometimes you want something, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you want it so bad it hurts, it hurts even worse when you don't get it. Sometimes you wonder why you don't. I have learned from experience the why question never gets you anywhere? You may ask me why? Well the answer is simple, God doesn't answer the why's, he will answer what, where, sometimes when and that usually comes in some vague form, he will even tell you who when it is relevent. But why I will bet 99.999999999999999999...... percent of the time he will never answer.

Sometimes he tells us to do something life changing, only to have someone else, who it also pertains to decide no, that hurts especially when your mind and heart aligned, but the stars just didn't. Sometimes he tells one person yes and one person no. Sometimes someone tells you no. Sometimes your parent tell you no, Sometimes you tell yourself no.

For whatever reason the answer this time again was no. No California. Yup it has been a lot of no's, Yup it has been a long and very rocky road, Yup feeling really low right now, Yup feeling unused in church, in life, in my job. Yup I feel like I have no plan. and Yup the answer was no. The big man upstairs told me no. I am okay with no California I guess, but I am not okay with feeling un used, with feeling like my life is going no where, with him not loving me, not okay with no answers.

On a side note, it is also not okay for him to ignore me for 3 weeks, then all the sudden to pay attention. You are either my friend or not. Just sayin. I am not okay with it. Just sayin.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Round and Round I Go

Welcome to the weekend!

So it is Friday again, hooray! It could not have come at a more convenient time, like really, I am tired, both mentally and physically. Time to rest! So onto other news. Got an email this week from one of the college's I applied to for a job. The Director of Annual Giving wanted to do a phone interview yesturday. It was in California. It went well. It is a smaller college, but would be a really good opportunity. I would like the position. I have been thinking alot about it since last night. So many thought have been going through my head, trying to get my head on straight at times can prove to be a difficult task more so then it seems that it should.

So to start. I would miss here. New changes are always good. New wards let you meet new people, but I would sincerly miss my family even though they tend to drive me crazy sometimes.

Second I wonder would I be happy there? I mean really happy there? I mean usually I am a happy person but lately with anything the things I have been contemplating, namely how my life changed because of the decison of another well I have to wonder if the decisions I am making are because I want to change and run away or because I honestly feel that this is right. Doing what is right is what is important but I sometimes wonder if I can trust my judgement. I have felt like things needed to change for a while, but the change was what I thought was coming, him coming home, him deciding he loved me, getting married, moving on with my life. Instead I am stuck trying to make the important decisions again, what to do, where to go, how to move on, none of which I was supposed to make on my own. It is just hard to know if I am running from my concerns, my worries, and most importantly my heartache and myself.

Also with that comes deciding what is right for me. So what if I get a job offer, do I stay, do I go? Maryland wants me to come out for a live interview. I know more about both positions now, but I think and am pretty positive I don't want the one in Maryland so I likely won't do my live interview, it is a waste of time and money I do not have. But what about California? I keep going back and forth right. It could be me being nervous, apart from trips I have made across the world I have never really struck out on my own, I never depended souly and completely on myself for my living. I wonder if my concerns come from wondering whether I am capable of taking care of myself, paying my bills, doing all the real grown up things I do not have to completely do on my own living at home. But then there is the whole going someplace all by myself. No one to hold my hand. It is comforting to have someone, when my friends take job offers they have spouses, so though they are afraid, they find comfort in eachother. I don't I would go the road alone.

California has a lot to offer, good salary, benefits, and opportunities to help the annual giving and office of advancement grow. However my concerns are still there. One position includes more traveling, meeting with people one on one, I am good at that, and would probably work a more normal shift with position. The other is what bothers me. It is running their version of BYU's telefund. I have the ability, the power, the strength and the ability to learn what I do not. But the schedule bothers me. I would work for now a 12-9 schedule monday -thursday and sundays 1-5ish I would be able to go to church but so far I have not seen one singles ward that runs that early. So I would either have to settle for a family ward :( or have a singles ward but attend a family ward for church until my schedule would change, which is promised. Then there the questions of how long would it take to change my schedule, 3 month, 6 months, a year. Also with the change in times I would quit sundays and work fridays, yeah for traditional work weeks. But again how far in the future do they see that. I don't mind the late night working, it is definately the Sunday schedule that bothers me.

So it all goes back to that question, is this right? Should I even worry about it anymore? Or do I wait and feel it out when it comes. I am not too sure yet. In my last interview yesturday with California I thought it went well, he told me I was a strong candidate for either position, I know the Vice President lady liked me too. And he told me I would need to submit a salary history to them for a final offer. He didn't say I got a job but he told me I should know by next week and to call him if I haven't heard by next friday. So it sounds good. I guess now I am just lost in too much to decide, too much to figure out, and not enough time or space in my brain to think clearly or see it clearly. Okay I think that is all, unless any of you have thought? Thoughts anyone?

Friday, October 1, 2010

Life and It's New Adventures.

Good Day Readers!

Well another week has come and gone, and I could not be more grateful!! You know those weeks, you know the ones, they drag on for one reason or the other? Well this was one of those weeks!! Lets start at the beginning!!

Monday!! The 27th, also my 27th birthday!! hooray, well maybe not so much!! Wasn't looking too forward to this birthday. Feeling kinda old. Sure I am not thirty, but feeling it. So yeah. Had a drs appointment that morning as a severe cough I have had for several weeks, like two months is still claiming my life. He gave me the bad news, I am dying!! haha not quite, I feel like it though! I have bronchitis. So far this cough has been pneumonia, a respitory infection, just and cough, and now bronchitis. Will it just go away!!! So he started in on another sore subject. See no thyroid means I struggle with weight. So here we are talking and he tells me how I need to work harder on my weight. It is hard, seriously, on my birthday, when I already do not feel well? Help!!! Can anyone out there make me eat right and excersize because right now I have not self control, at least not like I have had in the past.

Tuesday my dear friends Aubrie and Mike Got Married!! Yeah for Marriage!! I am so happy for her, she was the most beautiful bride and she glowed! But it made me miss him so much. It got me to thinking about how I had not heard from him in weeks, and he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. I am not sure if he is giving me space, but I don't want it. He makes me sadder by not being friends. I am good with the facebook chats, with the occasional hello, the complete ignoring me, not cool!! Anyways I still couldn't be happier for Aubrie!

Wednesday I got a call from Frostburg University! for all you wondering it is in Maryland. They want a phone interview! I am so excited. I didn't think the prospect of moving half way across the country, starting fresh would be so appealing, but it is. It is a little town, and I do mean little, apart from the city about 7500 people live there. It is near the appalachian mountains. The university is a decent size and has some good programs. I would be working in annual giving. It would be a great job, some traveling, asking for donations. I think it would be a good change. A few things that are cool, I would live about 3 hours from Washington DC, Baltimore and Pittsburgh. The crime rate in this little town is small, not much in way of rape, no murders dating back before 2001, little robbery, theft, burglery, etc. nice cool summers, but cold winters. Sad part, I do not think there is a singles ward. oh boy, a family ward, and hope there are other singles, and a ysa program to meet others right? Well I guess these are all things to find out! Anyways. Oh and a temple not to far in Washington DC. Yeah!! It could prove for an exciting thing, still it is only a phone interview, but here is to praying and hoping that I get the job!

So on another note, I have been thinking a lot about something my friend said the other day. He said that he could still be religious, and believe God doesn't love him. It has given me much to think about. Motly because this gospel, which he too believes, is a gospel of love. He gave us a Savior, someone who atoned and suffered not just for our sins but our afflications, our heartaches, our worries, our tears. He literally can bear me up because he has born my burdens. He has carried my yoke. And as long as I let him he will carry it with me. Now that is not saying that God doesn't give us hard times he does, come one read my last few posts. But he has purpose in our heart ache, in our pain, we grow, in many ways. It becomes essential to feel the strife to know the joy. Yes it hurts to go through pain, to not understand why I am going through something. But never for one second do I ever believe it is because God doesn't love me. He created a world, a plan, a Savior for me. He is my parent, My God, My father. He expresses his love in the way he blesses my life. Yes things not working out with the boy was hard, and still are, but I do not believe it wasn't because God doesn't love me or want me to be happy. Yes I struggle with being overweight and it is hard, yes sometimes life can be too much. But don't ever, I mean ever doubt God's love for his children. He gave the life of one of his children for us, he loves us that much!