Hello Bloggers, Blogger Readers, and Maybe a Few Blogger Stalkers!! HAHA I crack myself up!! :)
Life is a big ball of curves, I am not even sure that this even makes sense to anyone but me. But let me explain. See all my life I have these moments where I am going in the right direction, good things are supposed to happen, then life throws you a curve ball right. It usually hits me in the gut, and I am down for the count. I'll give you a few examples:
I was in the Seminary Teaching program, it felt right, I knew I was supposed to be there, do it you know? Well time came for them to route the ones going on and tell the rest good luck with life and friendly wave on out. I was expecting the green light. Instead I got a big fat red light, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.00, C-ya good luck with life wave on the way out. I was devistated. I won't lie, I was the kind of person who through college had no real plan, thought I wanted to go to law school, changed my mind, thought I wanted to teach elementary school, changed my mind, but here I was on a path I wanted to be on, and was excited to do for the first time. But with no path now, what? And man was I out for the path, I explored all my options for being able to do it again. Next thing I know I am on a plane to London, didn't see that one coming, for the best semester of my life, and I would do it again. I love the city, I love the people. But again a big curve ball totally unseen before all the doors shut.
I worked at the telefund really hard, but I never got on leadership. I worked there for years, and tried my hardest to show I did my best. Eventually I think it lost it draw, because when I got a second job I picked up more hours there, spent more time there working. It was nice to do something different for a change, not to depend upon something that I wanted so bad. Everytime leadership picks came out I remember telling God in my prayers how much I needed it, how hard I worked, and how much I wanted to be noticed for the hard work I did. Everytime I didn't get it I was heart broken, crushed, and very sad. It was a low blow and often knocked me off my feet. I also often had to take time for myself and figure out why I did my job, because everytime it hurt not be recognized for the leadership skills I possessed. The nice part was the curve, when I graduated I still had a job because of forementioned second job. I later got a full time job offer with the same company. It has been nice to have that, and know it was prepared.
This was probably the hardest punch in the gut I got, I am definatly down for the count. See you all know about the missionary coming home and not choosing me. Well what do you do when you were on that path, the right path, the one where your heart and mind where on the path together? The one where certain revelation that we are all able to get for ourselves tells you that you are supposed to get the guy, it is going to work and the wait is going to be worth it? What do you do when you wait all that time, holding faith trying to believe, then that faith turns to hope only to have those hopes dashed because he has his agency and he chose not you? Well I am there? It is a hard dish to swallow, a hard punch to catch your breath from, and sometimes and somedays it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.
But life throws us curves, and it is our job to figure out how to handle it. I only have one life to live, and I have to live it right? I guess that is where I am. Trying to figure out what is next. Sometimes I wish the path would magically appear, that after two long years of struggling to keep my feet beneath me, that the path would be clear. But I guess my struggles just aren't over yet. It is hard to think that two months ago I was thinking about him coming home, hopefully loving me, wanting to get married. Maybe move to London, maybe stay here. Today I am thinking about life, what do I want, how do I get it, go back to school, find a new job, stay here, crawl under my covers, I just don't know. None of it really sounds or feels right, maybe it is because nothing feels right, not yet at least. Sometimes I wonder what is it I am supposed to be learning from this, continue to have faith, because there have been some hard times, patience, learning that life goes on? I went to Institute on Tuesday night, we are studying the Docterine and Covenants. In the early chapters they discuss the need to learn how to recieve revelation, teaching them what ways to recognize it. The words spoken to some of the early members where spoken almost to me. It was still hard to hear them, mostly because in my heart I ache, in my heart I want one thing, but in the world I do not get that.
It is true, life throws you curve balls, they are unexpected. I am trying not complain, not to let it get to me, but at times like this, where I feel a little or lot lost, when I am a little or a lot emotional, when he creeps into my dreams and they leave me more lonely in the waking hours then I was before, it is just hard. Hard not to feel out for the count, hard to find the next step, and sometimes that step in the dark becomes one we are not willing or ready to take yet. So yes, we only have one life to live.