Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Loss of Words

Well folks- Welcome to the wordless world of Keri!!

Where to begin? I am not even sure that there is a beginning?
Have you ever been at a loss of words, no way to explain exactly the whirlwind of thought spinning endlessly in your head, the ones that you keep going through until you are too dizzy to know up from down? Well I am there now people!! And for any of you readers who know me that is a difficult task, hence the break in writing.

So to begin. Well where to begin, again the loss of words thing, it can be a bother. Today I am listening to Boston, and though I started writing something else this song has given me a nostalgic moment, and that feeling in the pit of your stomach, you know the one. Like something is missing? It takes me back to London, not Boston, takes me away from Utah, and yes I am tired of the weather. It takes me to the Swiss alps, the long nights walking the steep hills, the high rocky mountains seen from the top of the Shield horn. Most of all it reminds me of the day in the pub with him. His smile as we laugh at something funny, the nervousness I felt in the pit of my stomach as I said goodbye for two long years. Sitting on the train, my head leaning against the window wondering when I would see him again as it took me away from the place I knew he was at. Waiting each week for a letter, and stalking the mailman waiting for that letter I so desperately needed to get through another week. It takes me back to my first lonely Christmas without him, and only wishing he were here to celebrate with me. It takes me back to a few months ago, being excited of his coming home, hoping things would work out. It even takes me back to those heart breaking moments where he chose not me.

But here is the thing, even with all those moments, the good and the bad I still love him. The funny thing is I have tried so hard to get over him. I have tried to get out, find a new town, to find a new path. Get new weather, be a new person. Essentially run away from how I am feeling lost, being lost, and not sure what steps to take. I have done much introspection lately, over my own thoughts, actions, and decisions. My conclusion? Well it sounds strange but the first time I felt peace about my life, about me, about where I am, where I am supposed to be is exactly where I was to begin with. Exactly where I am right now. But where is that one might ask? Well this one is why I am at a loss of words. The peace I feel comes not just from being still if you will. I guess it all really goes back to a moment, a moment of real frustration expressed to a friend in saying he was the last right thing in my life. It occurred then and at other quiet moments that I dispelled, that maybe he really still was right. And that I was looking at all the wrong things, boys, jobs, running away from what I really needed to be doing. Being still and letting him figure it out. I remember just telling God that if this is what he wants I will do it.

There was no earth shaking revelation, just peace that I realized a few days later came. After spending time pondering I had my answer. What this will bring me, I am not sure. More heart ache, likely. But hopefully in the end, real satisfaction that I did what I was supposed to, and God will put the rest in order. Not sure how, not sure when. But that is what I must do. And for such an answer then is nothing but a real loss of words and expressions to explain how I feel and where I am going.

So until another day, keep your minds bright, your pencils sharp, Peace!

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