Thanks for the love and support! I had a better couple of days, we will see how good or bad the scales says I did in the moring. I cannot be upset at myself if I lost any or stayed the same. I am really hoping I didn't gain. I am recommitting myself tonight not just to dieting this isn't a diet, this is a life style change, this is so I don't get a heart attack or die in a few years time. So I am going to be better! Thanks, keep sending the messages I love it!
I have been thinking all day about a few things. Do you every wonder how people can be so judgmental about looks, personalities, or other characteristics that are not always to be blamed on the person. I have though about this alot in the whole of my life, I really struggled with weight, with self image and many of my own demons in this area came because of how others viewed me, saw my struggles. I even had a guy tell me once after he found out that I didn't have a thyroid that he had judged me wrong, that he thought I was basically an out of control eater who I believe the words were ate her way into a hole. I had friends who used to tell me that they were dating the pretty girls cause it was fun but I was who they would take home to mom. I never brought me comfort. I guess the point I am getting to is that I spent a lot of time worrying and feeling frustrated and upset that others don't see what is on the inside when that is what really counts.
I worked at the temple until last August. I was talking to one of the dear friends I made working there and he was telling me about a young man in his ward who he knows who he thought I should meet. He told me he would like me despite my physical flaws, and he told me of some of his struggles. I am going to dinner at my friends house to meet him tomorrow but I found myself all day feeling frustrated with myself because some of this young man's flaws aren't all his fault, learning or congitive development problems are tough struggles and he told me he works hard and would treat me or any women right. But I found myself caught up in the same circle of thought that troubles my own relationships with the other sex. I am not picky, I have very few requirements of my furture spouse, I want him to put the lord first, I want him to take me to the temple, to do his home teacher, read his scriptures and pray, I want him to go to the temple, use and honor his priesthood, and never have had an addiction to porn. I learned a long time ago I would be fine with any finacial situation Heavenly Father chose to put me in. I don't care what he does for a living as long as he is happy. But I found myself so frustrated over this very thing today. This guy my friend wants to introduce me to has a full time job, he graduated from high school, but he has never gone to college. I am not asking for much, and though I know I want to teach I do know I want to be a mom first, I want to raise my children and not be tied to a job. But this is one of those things that shouldn't matter, if he has all those things that matter and I love him why would it matter.
Now of course I am not in love with guy, and I may not even be attracted to him at all. SO I could be worrying for nothing. But what I am worried about is the bigger picture. Why am I so bothered about something that in the long run, the eternal scheme doesn't matter. It feels like it should be equivilant to the way I feel about men judging me solely on my looks and not learning to love my heart. So again why I am I so bothered by the exact same problem. Am I horrible?!?