Reflections in the Mirror

Good Afternoon my lovelies!!

It is Friday, can you believe it! I might die with excitement for a little break and so much to do!!

I have been doing a lot of inner soul searching as of late. I know, not that uncommon, but none the less I have been. I have always struggled with weight, and as a child and teenager it was the worst feeling in the world. I would hear other kids snide comments, things about my weight, being fat, about using dieting places like Jenny Craig. It hurt alot, what was worse was having best friends who would tell me I was cool and would get dates to things like the prom but of course they wouldn't take me. I often felt like screaming when they told me that. Like telling them if they weren't willing to take me, why would someone else? It was hard, but I felt like I took it well. I could look in the mirror and be happy with me, with who I am as a person. I never seemed to bother me, except the lack of dating and always wishing someone would love me, I had a great life and realized that no matter what I was loved, sometimes it wasn't enough but I knew I had worth and was okay with me.

That seems hard to think about, but what is worse is what I am about to say. Call me crazy but I thought my life had finally worked out, it worked out just the way I wanted. I found a great guy who loved me for me. And though he was on his mission at the time I thought when he got back we would be married. But we weren't and life doesn't go the way we plan and for me right now that is okay. But what I am not okay with is the way I see myself in the mirror. The way I feel self conscience about myself, about my body image. He never told me he didn't love me, he never told me I was fat. I am sure he didn't feel that way. But I know right now, somewhere in my sub conscience that I feel that way. That I am fat, that is the reason why I feel so blue sometimes, that is the reason why he didn't want me, and that is the very reason why I am invisible to others. I feel like people look around me instead of seeing me. I feel like deep down inside I am a pretty, smart, funny, and loving person. Yet on the outside under all the layers on top that gets lost, others can't see it. Instead I find myself feeling fat, looking fat, and all this keeps me from being me, reaching my full potential. I make plans to do better, to eat right and exercise, but in the end I end up eating to much, feeling to guilty, and I guess in someways unlovable.

I realize this is myself. This is me alienating myself. I even realize that others don't feel the way about me that I feel they do. But when I look at myself in the mirror, it is all there, I am not good enough, pretty enough, or enough of anything to get what I really need and want, a husband, kids, a chance at a life I feel I read only in fairy tales.

I am not sure how to change, how to change the way I feel, how to change the way I look, I was comfortable with me, I was happy being me, now I am not so sure. Where did the confidence I had in myself, the love for myself go?

Love Waits

Good Afternoon Lovelies!

Have you ever thought about love? I mean not the word or being in love, but feeling love, and your ability to give love. This has been a recent thought of mine. I love people, I love to tell others I love them and to show them love through touch, hugs, kisses, and tickles. But my ability to give others love isn't the same as being in love with someone.

I say that because of inner reflection on myself and my life. There is a freedom in knowing your heart is your own again, to give and take as you please. But the giving of your heart is hard, it takes trust, trust that the one you give it to will not break it. I gave my heart, willingly to someone that I thought would love forever. I hoped it wouldn't end like it did. And though now I see why it happened, not that he didn't care for me like I did him, but he changed and I changed. Those two long years were ones that gave me hope and faith in my future and God's plan for me. With that said and knowing I am over him it doesn't mean I am ready to run out my door and give my love to the next guy that comes along.

In fact since discovering that I am over him I haven't really looked at all. The pain of the last year haven't left my memory, or my heart since it began. I was thinking about this because I realized there is no one. I mean I want to date but that is a far cry from dating one person exclusively. In the past when I let someone go in my heart it took time to heal, but this feels like this time it has lasted extraordinarily long. So comes my conclusion of late, a person may no longer be in love with someone, but it doesn't mean they or their heart are ready to be given to someone else. It seems that getting over someone and having your heart heal are to exclusive parts of moving on.

Thoughts?

The World is Waiting!

Good afternoon lovelies!!

How are you all doing? So I have been thinking alot about where my life is going and what I am doing. I know I am going to school to be an elementary school teacher starting in January. With this program they have a study abroad program where I can live in New Zealand for a whole semester. I want to go on that so bad!! The world feels like it is waiting for me to bust free, climb on a plane and explore.

I feel however that it is not coming fast enough, the time to explore. And not just the study abroad I want to go on, but also the other adventures I feel looming in my heart and soul and I cannot reach them. I have expressed enough for you all to know that I have a love for everything English, including England itself. My time there was magical and in a weird way I felt more at home there then I ever have here. It was strange that on my way home from that time I spent living there that my two separate lives crashed into one. It was strange to me to hop on a plane that morning, leave all the beautiful tall skyscrapers, the busy streets, the tube with it's mind the gap signs, and find myself in the city I grew up in, with it's tall and looming mountains covered in snow, with Christmas right around the corner. I never felt so sad to come home.

Right now the burn in my heart and soul is to go back. I don't feel like my time is over yet, like I am done seeing the world. Like I am supposed to. I feel like there is more adventure out there for me, like I am supposed to go. It is hard to fight this feeling, it is hard to keep perspective when all I think about it how much I miss London, how much I miss traveling. I know I am supposed to start school again, all the right doors opened at the right time, I finished my application and felt peace about what I still needed to do. But fighting the urge to get on a plane right now is hard. I know I need to wait but wait for what exactly I do not know!!

When I was a little girl I used to run down the street to the playground to play, I loved the park I would go whenever I could. Now as an adult I feel like I need to run to the playground to play, but the park is no longer big enough for this girl, no the world has become my playground!!

Do you ever feel this way? Like there is more to life then what you are living right now?

Fall

Hey Lovelies!

Hope you are all doing fantastic! Guess what??? I know can you believe it!!! The fall isn't just coming anymore, it is finally here!. The leaves on the mountains are chaning to their bright fall colors, the weather is so nice, with great tempratures, great big beautiful blue sky, and I love it. I love the fall I always wanted to get married in the fall, fall in love, walking hand in hand as leaves fall off the trees. It smells nice, it is nice, it is colorful and beautiful, and I love the fall!! The only downside snow is coming too sooon!! NOOOO please don't snow, I need the fall to last through Thanksgiving!

Speaking of the fall the yesturday I saw this really great postcard for Disneyland. It showed all the fun of the fall they have there and I thought to myself, Self I want to go to disneyland, who would go with me? I don't know but I really want to go, someone out there want to enjoy the magic of Disney?

Last note, I spoke to him yesturday before he left for home. I was surprised to notice how little anxiety or butterflies I felt. We are friends which makes me super happy, and I know I definately don't have feelings for him. Things are good and I couldn't be happier that things wrapped themselves up so nicely.

Again one big horray for the fall!! Also who wants to go to haunted houses???

Love ya!

Blues

Good afternoon lovelies!

Have you ever felt the blues for no particular reason at all? I feel irritable and not sad but not happy either. It feels like I shouldn't be feeling this way either. Maybe the real word for how I feel is lonely. It is weird to feel like this, it is beautiful outside, work is going well. It is my favorite time of year and football season has started. I have plenty of blessings to be grateful for and yet for the better part of a week I feel lonely and kind of stuck. Like school isn't coming soon enough, like I need a change and I don't know what it is, like I need someone to be me so I have someone to talk to, get advice, and give me a big hug while I let myself cry on my shoulder. I am feeling like I want to date with no real prospects, and lets face it most guys don't see beyond skin deep and there are too many pretty fish in this sea. I am kind a Debbie downer today, I know and forgive me. I just feel out of sorts.

Unexpectations

Hey lovelies-

How are you? I hope fabulous, after all life is more about attitude then what is happening!!

I have been thinking about the experience of the last week. It has been more to digest then what I thought it would be. I told you about a surprise visit. I am not sure what expectations I had set for it, I had really mixed feelings about it. I want to be friends, and maybe I would give anything for it to be. But truthfully unlike other times seeing him for the first time was awkward. It was hard to realize that the experiences we have both had changed us. I am not sure what any of it means to me.

I know for the first time in a year I am not in love with him anymore. Maybe that is a good sign, one that says we could go back to being normal. It was a hard year, and thought of seeing him again when he broke my heart a year ago was hard, I went through all sorts of thought processes wondering what anything could me, did mean and whether I really wanted to see him at all. I don't know if I had expectations, after all expectations are hard to come up with anyways when you don't know what to expect. But I know one thing, I am not sure I expected to have things work out the way they did, I didn't expect to see him, and I didn't expect to feel the way I did. But like I said I think it is good, maybe we can get to be friends again move past the awkward feelings and towards a normal friendship.  I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, unless you were me and had experienced this, but there you go.

Make today fabulous!

Take Notes!

Hey lovelies!

I love this video of this little girl!! She knows how to use positive reinforcement! It makes me think I need to take notes, live more, worry less!! Enjoy!! And have a fabulous weekend!