Hauntings

She haunts me in my dreams. I see her, your arms around her, her gazing into your beautiful blue eyes. The way I long to, and have the gaze exchanged in return. You lean in and kiss her, your lips grazing hers, my heart always breaks. I often wonder about her, who she is, where you will meet her, will her accent match yours? Will she be tall, fit in your arms perfectly as I noticed I did the last embrace we shared, I still think of it, as you told me I would see you in two years.

But two years, came and two years, went. Promises that helped me endure the time as it passed sometimes slower then a turtle moves, but slow and steady won the race with time and time only brought more aching, still brings tears, tears that are only soaked into the pillow I lie my head upon at night when I sleep. Because you are not here, not with me, not able to make the lonely ache of my heart disappear like a magicians magic trick. Instead she haunts my dreams. The future other half of your heart. Her heart will beat in my place.

See I know I should get over you, in fact I really try. I try to move on, I flirt, I tell myself I am okay. That my heart will heal. But unlike the wounds that bleed, and bones that break, hearts don't heal. I have never thought that hearts truly heal. The pain may ease with time. But the wound never truly heals, never really goes away. There have been few men who I really let in, told them everything, even got me to do things as unimaginable as try to kiss me under the mistle toe. You have a way of seeing me, of getting me to say more then I ever knew I could. Maybe because I loved you, because I opened myself up I am unable to let you go.

I pray for someone to take your place, to steal the key to my fragile heart from you. But I am still alone, still unable to find someone better then you. I think this week felt lonely. Friends and loved ones found the love of their life. It made me even more aware of my dreams, of the dreams I hoped to share. Of the dreams I want for myself for my future. I always hoped things would work out, but I am not so sure they will, not so sure you want what I want. Not even sure when things changed for you, maybe that conversation we had in that pub wasn't serious for you. Maybe you did feel something for me and it changed over time.

I find myself dreaming of being there, in your streets, in your arms, that our hearts will beat the same, a great movie said "Paris is always a great a idea" I wonder a trip to Paris is it just that a great idea? It is only three hours from your street, and the place I really realized I loved you! Paris, well it is always a great idea.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I had a pleasant conversation with someone who I consider both a dear friend, and someone who I have great respect for. We were discussing some of the things I have been struggling with, not in specifics, but more general. See I never realized that I am so easily betrayed by myself, I usually put on a good show, no matter how much I am hurting inside I can put on a smile on the outside. But I rarely realize that people see through my own facade. But we got to talking, and that got me to thinking. There is a book and movie called "A Series of Unfortunate Events". I never realized how much there was  to glean from this movie, well that was until I watched it with a lot on my mind. The following quotation was in a letter sent to the children from their parents, and in a series of "unfortunate" events they got this after a very long hard journey, including the loss of their beloved parents.

"And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in-fact be the first steps of a journey" Sometimes I feel like my life has been a series of unfortunate events. I think that sometimes though I get caught up in the unfortunate events. I think about the fact that he didn't love me back, that something didn't work out the way I expected, that the job I wanted in California didn't work out, that I have no idea where I am really going, what the real plan is when I "grow" up. This series of events though unfortunate as they may seem may not be unfortunate as I feel they are though.

The events aren't just events, maybe, just maybe that series of events is really getting me started on my journey, today I may have no more of an idea then I did a minute ago where that journey will lead me, but the point is that it isn't about how unfortunate the events are. We are all on a journey, we all have a path, the bumps and the unfortunate events that take us step by step on our journey make us fortunate. Fortunate to have a path, fortunate to know that no matter where the path takes us our journey was adventurous, sometimes it brought us joy so fulfilling our hearts were overfilling and we could hardly keep it in, we were almost giddy like a little school girl. Sometimes it brought us so much sadness our eyes were brimming with tears that rolled down our cheeks, sometimes those tears were wiped away by someone who gave us a shoulder to bear our burden, and other times the only thing to dry our tears was the pillow below our head.

But the point is we have a journey, a path, that the events no matter how big or little are the beginnings of the journey! They lead us on our path. So no matter how bleak the path looks or feels, no matter how lost we feel, we know we start by putting one foot in front of the other knowing this wasn't an unfortunate, but rather a fortunate event, and my journey begins here and today!! 

Now That is Just S.A.D.

Every year the story is the same. The Jolly old man himself has hardly dashed away on his sleigh and what should take the place of the holiday joy that filled the shelves? Why of course the plush bears in bright pinks and reds, fake roses filled with cheap chocolate, and those tubs full of tacky message hearts. The season of love has arrived.

The blissful couples unaware of the world around them, worry about the perfect gift to exchange over a romantic, and crowded Valentines Dinner, hoping that their plush tiger show their expressions where words fall short. But what of the other half of the population, those who are not in a blissful relationship, those who are quite frankly aware of the world, and most importantly their lack of love?

What does this holiday of hearts and cupid offer them? Well I am not sure about the rest of you but this holiday is like the world screaming "YOU ARE STILL SINGLE" or "NO LOVE FOR YOU"! Every box of chocolates on the store isles represents a pound added to my lovely toosh, and those chalky conversation hearts? Well how about a good game of trashcan basketball! Because today is Singles Awareness Day and it is SAD!

I remember how S.A.D. began the days of girls coming up with thick plots of how to capture the heart of her prince charming she had her heart on for a while. After all she didn't want to have another day like this one, hiding under her covers, with that big box of chocolates and cuddling with the roses she sent herself. No next year she will have him. Next year she will be blissfully unaware of the world around her and he will have eyes only for her. So she waits and plans and silently she gets ready to pounce like a lion upon it prey in the Savannah. She goes to the gym (after all she did just eat her weight in chocolate),she learns to cook his favorite meal, and entices him first with his stomach then with her heart. But is it enough? Will she win the heart of the prince charming, will it be hers for a whole year? Does this not seem extreme for one night? One holiday that will come and go as the shelves fill with something to take its place?

For my S.A.D. I plan to rock it, like I never have before. No bemoaning that I am single, wear loud, wear it proud girls!! Find someone special this year, but this February 14th, don't worry about it, don't sweat it, don't send yourself flowers, or eat your weight in chocolate. After all girls, being single may not last forever. One day you will spend every 14th of February waiting three hours for a cold plate of chicken!

What and if?

Welcome to the thoughts of my day readers!


I was watching a movie, a chick flick of course and heard something profound, something that has kept me thinking about life, about our experiences, and the most importantly the what ifs of our choices. The movie quotes "'What' and ‘if’ two words are as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."


What of our choices? What of the ones we choose and what of the ones we do not? Also what about the roads with two paths and we take one instead of the other? I cannot say I have ever lived my life with many what ifs? I try to live life, choose carefully, and hope that the things I choose do not leave me with what ifs.


It does make me ponder though on the choices I did make, the places I have let life take me by my choices, and of course how my life would be different if I had not chosen what I did. I first think of my first trip halfway around the world. I almost let things in my life keep me from going, and I am ever so glad I didn't. But I do think about the things that could have been different. I was so young, and so immature. I never had left the United States for any amount of time, for all that I had grown up in the same city my entire life. It was an experience to meet me, to know the real me. I have to say, there were times where I think I was not the best me, where I let the little things get in the way. But my choice to go made me better, made me comfortable with me, with who I am as a person, with my own thoughts. I don't have to wonder what if I had gone because I went, but I sure would have if I had not had not gone. But I have one what if from that trip, what if I hadn't let things stop me from fully getting it all. Gone out with friends when they did, tired harder to build stronger relationships? I do know one thing, I would not give up the things I learned about my self. The times I look back with fondness from my experience all are times where I learned I am strong, I am okay with me, and I grew up. Times where I got to know the real me, times where I found myself in the rain on a dock in the dark, pleading with my Father in Heaven to remind me that I am his, that he has a plan for me. Times like that night I smile on with fondness, they remind me I am strong, I had courage, and God helped me realize it.


I went again two years later. More mature I think, more ready for the experience of spending time with me, and actually grew closer to the people around me, I do believe this is because my first experience taught me something. The only what if, if I had tried harder to go out with others, to do what they wanted. It turns out the second experience blessed my life richly with friends to whom this day I keep in close contact with. I was richly blessed to fall in love with beautiful places all over the world, and most importantly decided not to let any what ifs get in the way. I climbed the highest mountains, hard as it might have been. I did once let the shortsightedness of what I wanted prevail. I wouldn't turn back the lessons I learned that day for myself, I needed reminding of me, of who I am, of the things I value and those were important lessons for me. But I look back at it as an experience to not let my concerns get in the way of being my best, of having fun and most importantly living without what ifs.


I often think of what if when it comes to love. What if I hadn't told him, what if I had told him, what if I looked like her, what if I were more ditsy, what if I hadn't given up and just let her have him? I cannot say much in the line of what ifs with love. The truth about me, I am me, I wish men, maybe not even all men rather a select few, saw past the flaws, saw what is beautiful about a girl like me. But I cannot have regrets about me. I also cannot regret telling someone I love them, sharing your love with another cannot be regretted. It may never be returned, but what ifs will always remain if you don't share that love with others. I thought about that a lot this past summer as I weighed my options when it came to my keyholder. He was coming home, and after two long years of waiting and writing I wanted to make sure there were no questions about how I felt. I spent much time pondering the words that went on the pages I mailed that day. They were the words of my heart. Expressions of the heart are not easily put into words, but I would regret not telling him. I look back on it today, I am grateful I had courage to tell him. That the expressions of love I shared with him in the letter that day as well as in all the letters I sent were from the heart. They were real, as real as they still are for me today.

Sometimes I am asked how long will I wait, how long will my heart yearn for him, the man who I gave it to so long ago. I never know quite how to answer the question, truthfully I am not sure my mind knows, because it isn't a matter for the mind. It is a matter of the heart. I know I do not want a what if, I am not sure I am ready in my heart to move on, and look back and think what if I held on a little longer? Would he have felt for me as I did him? Then again, can you really make yourself move on, or hold on? Or does your heart choose the time, choose when it is time, to choose another path another course to walk on? I am not sure I have answers for those questions either. I know a few things, first my heart it isn't ready to move on, it still remains his. It still worries about whether he will pick me, it still tries to shelter itself from the ache of loneliness and break that come at unexpected moments. But again perhaps like the rest of me, it wants to live without what ifs, and so it will take it's time, chart it's own course until it finds the time of what ifs are over and we are ready to move on to the next path, and chart our own course, one without what ifs.