Hauntings

She haunts me in my dreams. I see her, your arms around her, her gazing into your beautiful blue eyes. The way I long to, and have the gaze exchanged in return. You lean in and kiss her, your lips grazing hers, my heart always breaks. I often wonder about her, who she is, where you will meet her, will her accent match yours? Will she be tall, fit in your arms perfectly as I noticed I did the last embrace we shared, I still think of it, as you told me I would see you in two years.

But two years, came and two years, went. Promises that helped me endure the time as it passed sometimes slower then a turtle moves, but slow and steady won the race with time and time only brought more aching, still brings tears, tears that are only soaked into the pillow I lie my head upon at night when I sleep. Because you are not here, not with me, not able to make the lonely ache of my heart disappear like a magicians magic trick. Instead she haunts my dreams. The future other half of your heart. Her heart will beat in my place.

See I know I should get over you, in fact I really try. I try to move on, I flirt, I tell myself I am okay. That my heart will heal. But unlike the wounds that bleed, and bones that break, hearts don't heal. I have never thought that hearts truly heal. The pain may ease with time. But the wound never truly heals, never really goes away. There have been few men who I really let in, told them everything, even got me to do things as unimaginable as try to kiss me under the mistle toe. You have a way of seeing me, of getting me to say more then I ever knew I could. Maybe because I loved you, because I opened myself up I am unable to let you go.

I pray for someone to take your place, to steal the key to my fragile heart from you. But I am still alone, still unable to find someone better then you. I think this week felt lonely. Friends and loved ones found the love of their life. It made me even more aware of my dreams, of the dreams I hoped to share. Of the dreams I want for myself for my future. I always hoped things would work out, but I am not so sure they will, not so sure you want what I want. Not even sure when things changed for you, maybe that conversation we had in that pub wasn't serious for you. Maybe you did feel something for me and it changed over time.

I find myself dreaming of being there, in your streets, in your arms, that our hearts will beat the same, a great movie said "Paris is always a great a idea" I wonder a trip to Paris is it just that a great idea? It is only three hours from your street, and the place I really realized I loved you! Paris, well it is always a great idea.