Wednesday, February 2, 2011

What and if?

Welcome to the thoughts of my day readers!

I was watching a movie, a chick flick of course and heard something profound, something that has kept me thinking about life, about our experiences, and the most importantly the what ifs of our choices. The movie quotes "'What' and ‘if’ two words are as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

What of our choices? What of the ones we choose and what of the ones we do not? Also what about the roads with two paths and we take one instead of the other? I cannot say I have ever lived my life with many what ifs? I try to live life, choose carefully, and hope that the things I choose do not leave me with what ifs.

It does make me ponder though on the choices I did make, the places I have let life take me by my choices, and of course how my life would be different if I had not chosen what I did. I first think of my first trip halfway around the world. I almost let things in my life keep me from going, and I am ever so glad I didn't. But I do think about the things that could have been different. I was so young, and so immature. I never had left the United States for any amount of time, for all that I had grown up in the same city my entire life. It was an experience to meet me, to know the real me. I have to say, there were times where I think I was not the best me, where I let the little things get in the way. But my choice to go made me better, made me comfortable with me, with who I am as a person, with my own thoughts. I don't have to wonder what if I had gone because I went, but I sure would have if I had not had not gone. But I have one what if from that trip, what if I hadn't let things stop me from fully getting it all. Gone out with friends when they did, tired harder to build stronger relationships? I do know one thing, I would not give up the things I learned about my self. The times I look back with fondness from my experience all are times where I learned I am strong, I am okay with me, and I grew up. Times where I got to know the real me, times where I found myself in the rain on a dock in the dark, pleading with my Father in Heaven to remind me that I am his, that he has a plan for me. Times like that night I smile on with fondness, they remind me I am strong, I had courage, and God helped me realize it.

I went again two years later. More mature I think, more ready for the experience of spending time with me, and actually grew closer to the people around me, I do believe this is because my first experience taught me something. The only what if, if I had tried harder to go out with others, to do what they wanted. It turns out the second experience blessed my life richly with friends to whom this day I keep in close contact with. I was richly blessed to fall in love with beautiful places all over the world, and most importantly decided not to let any what ifs get in the way. I climbed the highest mountains, hard as it might have been. I did once let the shortsightedness of what I wanted prevail. I wouldn't turn back the lessons I learned that day for myself, I needed reminding of me, of who I am, of the things I value and those were important lessons for me. But I look back at it as an experience to not let my concerns get in the way of being my best, of having fun and most importantly living without what ifs.

I often think of what if when it comes to love. What if I hadn't told him, what if I had told him, what if I looked like her, what if I were more ditsy, what if I hadn't given up and just let her have him? I cannot say much in the line of what ifs with love. The truth about me, I am me, I wish men, maybe not even all men rather a select few, saw past the flaws, saw what is beautiful about a girl like me. But I cannot have regrets about me. I also cannot regret telling someone I love them, sharing your love with another cannot be regretted. It may never be returned, but what ifs will always remain if you don't share that love with others. I thought about that a lot this past summer as I weighed my options when it came to my keyholder. He was coming home, and after two long years of waiting and writing I wanted to make sure there were no questions about how I felt. I spent much time pondering the words that went on the pages I mailed that day. They were the words of my heart. Expressions of the heart are not easily put into words, but I would regret not telling him. I look back on it today, I am grateful I had courage to tell him. That the expressions of love I shared with him in the letter that day as well as in all the letters I sent were from the heart. They were real, as real as they still are for me today.

Sometimes I am asked how long will I wait, how long will my heart yearn for him, the man who I gave it to so long ago. I never know quite how to answer the question, truthfully I am not sure my mind knows, because it isn't a matter for the mind. It is a matter of the heart. I know I do not want a what if, I am not sure I am ready in my heart to move on, and look back and think what if I held on a little longer? Would he have felt for me as I did him? Then again, can you really make yourself move on, or hold on? Or does your heart choose the time, choose when it is time, to choose another path another course to walk on? I am not sure I have answers for those questions either. I know a few things, first my heart it isn't ready to move on, it still remains his. It still worries about whether he will pick me, it still tries to shelter itself from the ache of loneliness and break that come at unexpected moments. But again perhaps like the rest of me, it wants to live without what ifs, and so it will take it's time, chart it's own course until it finds the time of what ifs are over and we are ready to move on to the next path, and chart our own course, one without what ifs.

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