Welcome to my thoughts of today!!
I was talking to a good friend this week, about dating, or the lack there of. About boys she likes and why she would consider dating them. I thought a lot about my own battles of love. I remember the first love of my life. He moved in next door before we started kindergarten and we played together. I remember telling him he was going to marry me and when he told me he wouldn't I hit him with a broom!! haha! I was one spunky kid! I even remember the day he broke my my heart by deciding to play with the boys over playing with me! I was always super jealous of his "guy friends" mostly cause they took him from me. I remember when they moved to another city when his dad got a new job. I sat on our stairs and cried. My mom told me to go and play, and I told her the only person to play with left, he moved away, he broke my heart. It took me a long time to find someone who held that place in my heart.
I moved by then and it so happens he did to. He played basketball and so did I. (a little) Anyways I used to do his paper route with him, and secretly I crushed on him, and outwardly we were good friends. He told me all about the girls he liked, even asked advice about how to get the girls he liked. I willingly and openly obliged. I wanted to please him, but I mostly wanted him to see me, like really see me. It was my closest friends that knew how I felt about him, I even wrote him notes and left them in his locker with little sentences of adoration I had learned in French class written on them. My heart was broken countless times with him, however I never got over him, I always went back for more. He moved away to, only to be replaced with my most "reckless love".
He was long haired and wore a spiked necklace, which he readily let me wear. My parents didn't like him, that made him even more appealing. He was older, he could drive, and I spent hours on the phone with him. It didn't last long, he wanted a girlfriend he could take out, my parents weren't cool with it. I thought I loved him, even told him he could tell me so. He never did, he never kissed me, I am grateful for that though.
In high school I only liked one boy really, he was cute, blond, and not at all like anyone else I had liked before. I remember being infatuated with him for two years, I called him from San Diego and yelled at him because of something stupid, well that never goes over well. So yeah. Fortunately we realized we made good friends, and have stayed friends.
College found me a place of many crushes, and many heartaches. And as I discussed with my good friend this week there were never a lot of dates. Many guy friends thought I was cool, but I was not dating material. I even had a friend tell me, "Boys date 'those' girls now but in a few years you will be the 'kind' of girl they will want to bring home." I don't remember if it gave me hope or dashed what little hope I had left in the male species. I remember it hurt, it hurts not to be loved, not to be enough to wanted. After all, all I ever wanted was to be seen, you know, to really be seen, recognized as a women. Someone who loves and wanted to be loved in return.
But what of the battlefield of today? After all love is a battlefield right? Well I feel like I am in two, one where I am the battle, and the other where I am battling for the love of someone else. What do you do when someone loves you, cares for you, but in a way far from the way you care for them? I have never been a heart breaker. As far as I remember there has never been a boy who loved me, who cared for me, and I always was the girl, the girl who cared to much, the girl whose heart hurt. It never occurred to me that there would come a day that the roles would switch. How do you break some one's heart, let them down lightly when you know how bad it hurts inside to have someone reject the love you freely give them? But I feel no attraction, to chemistry, and pardon the expression, no sexual tension!! And I truly love someone else more. that would be so unfair, to him and myself.
On the flip side I am that girl, I love him, I care for him very much, I have for a long, long time. I wish for his happiness. I hope his dreams come true. I hope and dream of me being part of those dreams. But just like being the girl who doesn't want to break some one's heart, I also don't want to have my heart broken. Sometimes I wish I could see into the future like a fortune teller looks into her glass ball to see what my future has in store. To know how it will work out, if it will work out, or if I will be stuck with heartache, and a hole larger then the one that is starting to grow in my heart already. But the question remains does he see me? Does he know I exist?
I have come to learn that matters of the heart are not to be fiddled with. You cannot make yourself feel something for someone you do not. You cannot make someone else feel something for you if they do not. You have to wait patiently like a child who watches a cocoon. You cannot force it before it's time it will not develop as it should. But with patience the butterfly and love will break free strong and beautiful.