Keyholder

To the Keyholder-

I remember the first time we met like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my spot, I was always sitting there, you probably can still picture me there. I was working on some homework. And you walk in with your best friend. I say hello, and you walk over to me. Without a care in the world you sit down and tell me who you are. I was always impressed with that. Oh and of course I thought you were good looking. From that moment on you had my eye, I was always excited for the weekend to roll around, I knew I would always have the pleasure of seeing you.

I think often of the night you tried to get me to kiss you under the mistletoe. Sometimes I wish I had, other times I wonder why I didn't. You were the only person in the world who could get me to blush the way you did. I don't easily embarrass, and yet around you I find myself a little more self conscience of saying too much, or too little, or not the right thing. And yet it is so easy to be me, to say what is on my mind, to tell you exactly how I feel.

I dreamt of the day I would be back on your streets, I never thought I would be there less then two years from the fateful mistletoe night. I didn't plan on meeting you for lunch that day. I especially didn't plan on letting you sweep me off my feet, and give me butterflies in my stomach! I wondered what people thought as they saw us sitting there in the pub.

It didn't take me long to figure out how I really felt about you. You are the current keyholder to my heart. I chose you to hold the delicate key to my fragile heart. I gave you the special key. I didn't know until you, what is was like to love someone so much it hurts. To put my heart in someone else's hands, and have no control over what they choose to do with it.

I want for you only happiness. I want your dreams to come true. I especially want your dreams and my dreams to merge, to become as one, so that I am and will always be part of your life. I looked forward to the day you came back with both enthusiasm and restrain. To talk to you again with expressions that letters can never share. But concern that you wouldn't care for me the way I did for you. That you had changed more then I was prepared to accept, mostly that you wouldn't love me as I love you. Now I look forward to the day, the day you say the words I hope to hear, to walk with you on your streets again. To not worry about the way it makes my heart hurts when I think that you aren't here, when I think you may not care for me as I do you.

See you weren't something I expected to happen. You weren't in the plan. Sometimes God does that. He puts people in our lives for unexpected reasons. Often times he asks us to do the hard things, the things that make our hearts ache, yearning for the love of someone you learn to care for more deeply then you ever thought possible. Also for your heart to ache, and to break, more then you knew your heart could, sometimes wondering whether it would heal, whether it were even possible to heal. Yet you realize like I do, I already made my choice. I already chose to give you my delicate key. It only fits in one little key hole, it opens up something fragile. What is inside has a lot to offer. More then I ever knew was possible to hold. You were put in my path for a reason, you tried to step aside, I tried to go around you, but no matter the path you still remain there. You still remain the keyholder to my heart.

Admiringly Yours,
The Women With the Green Eyes

Battlefields of Love

Welcome to my thoughts of today!!


I was talking to a good friend this week, about dating, or the lack there of. About boys she likes and why she would consider dating them. I thought a lot about my own battles of love. I remember the first love of my life. He moved in next door before we started kindergarten and we played together. I remember telling him he was going to marry me and when he told me he wouldn't I hit him with a broom!! haha! I was one spunky kid! I even remember the day he broke my my heart by deciding to play with the boys over playing with me! I was always super jealous of his "guy friends" mostly cause they took him from me.  I remember when they moved to another city when his dad got a new job. I sat on our stairs and cried. My mom told me to go and play, and I told her the only person to play with left, he moved away, he broke my heart. It took me a long time to find someone who held that place in my heart.

I moved by then and it so happens he did to. He played basketball and so did I. (a little) Anyways I used to do his paper route with him, and secretly I crushed on him, and outwardly we were good friends. He told me all about the girls he liked, even asked advice about how to get the girls he liked. I willingly and openly obliged. I wanted to please him, but I mostly wanted him to see me, like really see me. It was my closest friends that knew how I felt about him, I even wrote him notes and left them in his locker with little sentences of adoration I had learned in French class written on them. My heart was broken countless times with him, however I never got over him, I always went back for more. He moved away to, only to be replaced with my most "reckless love".

He was long haired and wore a spiked necklace, which he readily let me wear. My parents didn't like him, that made him even more appealing. He was older, he could drive, and I spent hours on the phone with him. It didn't last long, he wanted a girlfriend he could take out, my parents weren't cool with it. I thought I loved him, even told him he could tell me so. He never did, he never kissed me, I am grateful for that though.
In high school I only liked one boy really, he was cute, blond, and not at all like anyone else I had liked before. I remember being infatuated with him for two years, I called him from San Diego and yelled at him because of something stupid, well that never goes over well. So yeah. Fortunately we realized we made good friends, and have stayed friends.

College found me a place of many crushes, and many heartaches. And as I discussed with my good friend this week there were never a lot of dates. Many guy friends thought I was cool, but I was not dating material. I even had a friend tell me, "Boys date 'those' girls now but in a few years you will be the 'kind' of girl they will want to bring home." I don't remember if it gave me hope or dashed what little hope I had left in the male species. I remember it hurt, it hurts not to be loved, not to be enough to wanted. After all, all I ever wanted was to be seen, you know, to really be seen, recognized as a women. Someone who loves and wanted to be loved in return.

But what of the battlefield of today? After all love is a battlefield right? Well I feel like I am in two, one where I am the battle, and the other where I am battling for the love of someone else. What do you do when someone loves you, cares for you, but in a way far from the way you care for them? I have never been a heart breaker. As far as I remember there has never been a boy who loved me, who cared for me, and I always was the girl, the girl who cared to much, the girl whose heart hurt. It never occurred to me that there would come a day that the roles would switch. How do you break some one's heart, let them down lightly when you know how bad it hurts inside to have someone reject the love you freely give them? But I feel no attraction, to chemistry, and pardon the expression, no sexual tension!! And I truly love someone else more. that would be so unfair, to him and myself.

On the flip side I am that girl, I love him, I care for him very much, I have for a long, long time. I wish for his happiness. I hope his dreams come true. I hope and dream of me being part of those dreams. But just like being the girl who doesn't want to break some one's heart, I also don't want to have my heart broken. Sometimes I wish I could see into the future like a fortune teller looks into her glass ball to see what my future has in store. To know how it will work out, if it will work out, or if I will be stuck with heartache, and a hole larger then the one that is starting to grow in my heart already. But the question remains does he see me? Does he know I exist?

I have come to learn that matters of the heart are not to be fiddled with. You cannot make yourself feel something for someone you do not. You cannot make someone else feel something for you if they do not. You have to wait patiently like a child who watches a cocoon. You cannot force it before it's time it will not develop as it should. But with patience the butterfly and love will break free strong and beautiful.

Green Eyes

To the Women with the Green Eyes:

I met you some years ago. I have seen you grow from childhood to adulthood with grace and clumsiness!!There were times I wondered whether you would make it, whether you were strong enough, whether you had the courage to fight your battles to make it. But you always came out on top, and always better for the battle, sometimes worn, sometimes tired but always stronger, always better. Smiling, knowing you conquered the world! Knowing that all you ever wanted would be yours because you could conquer whatever you put your mind to!

I always admired the way you viewed the world. It is yours to conquer, it can beat a person to a pulp but you fight back. You put your mind to something and you attain it. It is a strength few possess, but many should. You always saw the world as your playground, you always wanted to see it all, and not just what was in your own backyard. I love your zest for life.

I love how you occasionally look in the mirror and are shocked that underneath it all you find yourself pretty. Not extra ordinarily beautiful. Just pretty. I love even more that, though occasionally you realize you are pretty, you aren't sucked in by it, you still think yourself a plain Jane. It is nice to know you are not stuck on yourself; worried about what you look like. My favorite feature about you has always been your beautiful green eyes with flecks of brown. They always show the smile on your lips. They are traders in a way though.You can't hide anything behind a smile your eyes give you away. When you are sad inside your eyes give it away.

I also am grateful for the way you have learned to love so deeply. You started learning tough lessons early in life, none impaired you ability to love others the way you should. You love others, you care deeply for their happiness. You listen to their concerns and worries often taking their burdens and carrying them as you do your own. You love deeply, and with loving deeply you also loose hard too. Your heartaches are sad, you struggle with understanding why the love you so freely gave to another is not so freely returned. It hurts, those scars run deep in one's heart, don't ever let the walls build, don't stop loving so deeply, always remember when you love someone other then oneself you get the most out of life!

Your faith is beautiful. You aren't afraid to say you believe in God. I hope your actions always align with your words. Your faith in your Savior, not only as the Atoner but also as the comforter will get you through your struggles. That is important. Don't ever let your faith die. Times get tough and rough, but your faith will get you through. Let it grow, let it be strong, place it where it belongs, where it should be.

Lastly some say the most important word in the dictionary is Remember. It reminds us of who were are, of our stupid mistakes, of where we have come from and where we are going. So always remember, remember who you are, what you want, where you are going. You will find yourself there when you remember 

With Love,
the Women with the Green Eyes