Monday, December 13, 2010

Nightmare's and Loneliness

Good Morning friends!

Every had a morning where you wish you could turn your brain off? Where you could crawl back under the covers and go back to bed, hoping the feeling of despair you are feeling just might go away? Well welcome to my morning. It is bizarre I haven't felt like this in a while.

I am not a fan of loneliness, and even less a fan of loneliness at Christmas. I thought for sure something would be different this year. I loved him, I waited, I knew things would work out just right. But here I am today, two weeks until Christmas, nothing changed, and I still love him, I am still lonely. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has someone. Like nothing will change, like I will always feel this way. I hope that isn't the case that something will change, that I won't always feel alone, that I will have someone special to shop for. That I won't feel the heartache, and the yearning, and most of all feel like I miss him.

Second why does the inner turmoil you feel manifest itself in dreams? Sometimes he is there and it is taunting me, like I cannot have him. Last night was the worst, he was together with another girl. But if that isn't bad enough I was caught in the middle of it! I was so upset in my dream, and when I awoke I realized how real it felt. How hurt I felt. I couldn't shake the feeling I lost him, lost him forever. That meant my brain wouldn't turn off. Instead continued to think of the possibilities of him never realizing that he loves me. That I am his girl. That he doesn't want to give back the heart I gave him.

I hate feeling like this. I am not one to be stuck in a rut, but I am in one. I always thought life would be easier, that I could make sense of my heart. But hearts are not something to be made sense of. They are to be listened to, and only in listening does someone come to understand one's own heart. But that is not to be confused with making sense of it. Understanding why it feels the way it does sometimes. Happy in good times, sad, scared, afraid. You learn about you, about your heart, about your strengths, your weaknesses and your worries. My weakness, impatience. I am ready for answers, ready for life to move forward. I know I can do that with out a man, with out him, but I do not want that. I want my other half, my best half, someone to finish my thoughts, who knows how I think and why. I want someone who can make me smile, to hold me in the hard times, who hurts because I hurt, to dance with me in the kitchen, and I am ready for it now.  Ready for all that comes with it, the good, the bad, the hard, and the easy. Ready to not have nightmares of loosing him to another girl, ready to not feel lonely like I do today!


Little Fish Girl said...

I know how you feel, girlfriend! It seems like it'll never happen just because it's never happened before, but there's a first time for everything, and it only has to happen once! :)

arandomchild said...

Been there. Done that. After 10 years of "will she, won't she, does she, doesn't she", she went off and married some other feller. (And, yes, she still shows up in my dreams 20 years later and don't seem to want much to do with me in them.) So it took me 'til I was 32 to finally find the right one. I know words don't help with the feelings: your words, his words, anyone's words, but it does get better.

Keri said...

Little Fish Girl :) I agree it does just have to happen once, It is all I am asking for!

A random child-Thanks for your words, sometimes words don't help and sometimes words are surprisingly comforting, you definately gave me some knowing others sometimes feel or felt like I did yesturday!