Thursday, June 12, 2014

1 year later

Hey Lovelies-

This post has been a long time coming! I have no idea how many read this still, but here goes nothing. A year ago, well a few weeks over a year ago, I started my journey. I have come a long ways since I first began. To date I have lost just over 100 pounds. I went from a size 32 to a 18 and 4x tops to almost out of 2x tops. These are huge changes for me. I was thinking back to the last time I remember being this small, and well it was indeed a long time ago, like before high school long time ago. All the clothes from high school I pulled out and was wearing no longer fit. So needless to say I have made some major changes.

Those major changes come not just in the waist size though, they also come in the mental state of mind. I was discussing this very thing someone who means a great deal to me the other day. I explained that I feel very lost sometimes, unsure as to who I am. See for me being fat was an identity, and while I have a ways to go and am not even close to being done I recognize I hid behind my waste size. It is no secret to anyone I think that I did that, but for me I felt like it made me invisible. As I explained this he wisely told me I was not invisible, because I was never invisible to myself, and was probably always hard on myself. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this conversation, about how I feel about me. I am not sure I will ever not be insecure, I also am sure I will also have self confidence I never had before as well, so maybe I am entering a new phase of being perfectly secure and insecure. If that is even possible, that is often how I feel. I still find myself thinking, what do you do with a fat girl, when a fat girls isn't fat, but I know this, this "fat" girl can run two miles, can hike, can bike, and swim, and any other form of exercise known to mankind. She also doesn't let much get in her way.

So I have come a long ways, there is still along ways to go, I haven't given up, I am still going, still recreating who I am, maybe not recreating, just acquainting myself with the girl on the inside, the one who has hid beneath too many layers for far too long, the girl who hid away from people, and ultimately herself, really I am just find the women with the green eyes.



Loraine said...
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Loraine said...

I know it has been a LONG time since we've seen each other (since we moved out here to the Midwest). But I've read your story, and am so happy for you! I am excited that I met you in college and that you are expressing yourself! I think we all are insecure in different areas. I wish you the best in this journey! You are an inspiration to us!

Gamal Fuad said...