Friday, June 1, 2012

Thoughts of the Heart

Good Afternoon Lovelies

I hope you are all enjoying the fantastic summer we are having. I have many thoughts going through my mind, heart, and soul recently. Most have to do with my own life, where I am and what I want. I will share a few with you.

- Have you ever seen Freedom Writers?? If not may I suggest watching it? The premise of the movie is a desire for a teacher to make a difference in the lives of students who are from inner city and gang infested areas. No one has hope for her success but herself, she looses a lot but finds everything she ever wanted, it was very inspiring, I hope to be a good teacher like she is, who has hope for my students successes.

- It is time to have a trim for the new hair do. I love my hair cut, it is easy, it is cool, and I think it looks nice. my long hair was so heavy it had no body at all. It will be nice to have the trim cause then my hair wont be in my face anymore.

-I had a dream the other day. Yeah it was one of those kinds. You know the ones where your the person who you loved most is walking out of your life forever. I think this stems from him of course. I felt like things would get better. Like eventually we could be friends. It seems though as that won't be the case for him. I have tried to stay in touch, but it doesn't seem to work. I miss him.

- What I miss most about him are two things. The dreams. You know the kind where you see yourself having a family, living in another place, and being happy with my life. But more then that I miss my friend, my best friend. I told him everything. it was so easy to let him in. To tell him my thoughts, things I had going on, and confiding with him when I was struggling. I think I would feel better if I knew I had some girlfriends who I could relate to the same way. But I don't. I think truthfully it has always been the same for me. I tend to relate better to men, it comes easier to me.

-All I want to do is to date. Like go out, you know the three P's? Yeah, paid, planned, and paired. I am not asking for a boyfriend, I am asking for a date. For someone to take a Saturday night and take me miniature golfing, or out to dinner. I often wonder if that is asking to much? It would be nice. I am not asking someone to be in love with me, I am still not sure I am ready to be in love with someone else. I have had a crush here or there but they are almost always short lived. All I want is to date.

- It has been ten years since I walked across the stage and became a high school graduate. Ten years?!! I know I am old. I only bring this up because our ten year reunion is this summer. I don't think I am going. High School was hard. I struggled with seeing myself in the mirror, I struggled with not knowing what others thought about me, I even struggled with thinking that people were judging me. But it is more then that. I feel like I don't have much to show for having been graduated for 10 years. I have a job, but it is just a job. I am back in school, but don't feel like I am accomplishing much. I don't have a husband or a family to show off. All I feel I have to show over the passage of time is 80lbs. And that is gained not lost. So for me it feels not like it is worth it. I would be more self conscious then I would to have a good time.

Have a great weekend!!


Jamie said...

Keri, i enjoy yours posts I don't usually reply, but I do love them. I love you, as for the high school reunion thing, 10 years hasn't been long enough for me to go either, lol. You are a wonderful person and I believe things will work out for you!

Lisa said...

I MISS YOU! it made my day to see you had posted on your blog. oh how i miss our adventures in art class. when i get back to school in the fall me, you, and rachel should get together, kay? love youuuu :)

Lauren Elizabeth said...

Keri,I'm with you on the high school reunion. Those weren't my best years. I would add that while you may not think your life is glamourous, you might be surprised. I recently read something that said "we want to be happier than other people, and that is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are." You are amazing Keri, and you've seen/done soooo much already! I know, since I've been lucky to be with you for a very small part of it :)